ASIAN LONGHORNED BEETLE SKETCH
by MATT KOFF
LIGHTS UP ON PRESS CONFERENCE.
SIMON BERNARD
I’d like to thank all the concerned citizens and the members of the press who are here today. The Asian Longhorned Beetle is a very real threat to our national forests, and we’re glad that the message is finally getting heard. Now let’s bring up Senior National Forests Commissioner, Wes Gundrickson.
WES GUNDRICKSON, A CRUSTY OLD MAN OF 75, TAKES THE PODIUM.
WES
Thanks, Simon. All right, now I hope you parks people are good at taking notes, because I’m going to move quickly here. Here we go, slide one, how to tell if Asians have infested your forest.
A SLIDE WITH THIS CAPTION IS DISPLAYED.
WES (cont’d)
All right, now, as most of us already know, the Asian is a wiley, agile creature. It can be difficult to catch an Asian in the act—
REPORTER
Um, excuse me—
WES
Sir, we’re not taking questions until the end of the presentation.
REPORTER
Oh, it’s not so much a question as—I noticed you’re referring to these bugs as “Asians.” It almost sounds as if you’re talking about Asian people.
WES LOOKS OVER TO COMMITTEE.
WES
Who the fuck is this guy?
THE COMMITTEE SHRUGS.
WES
(to REPORTER) Who the fuck are you?
REPORTER
I’m Max Tomlin, a reporter for The New York Times.
WES
Oh, go fucking figure. Mr. Tomlin, thank you for your comment, but I think it goes without fucking saying that we’re talking about Asian beetles here, not Asian people.
REPORTER
Yes, but—
WES
Now, I’d love to stand here all day, sip lattes, and debate liberal bullshit semantics with you, but the fact is, these little fuckers are out there devouring our trees as we speak, and if we don’t hurry our national forests will be fucking gone. Now, if you please.
BEAT. REPORTER SITS DOWN.
WES
All right, now where was I? Oh right, these Asians are a wiley bunch. Any forests with a high percentage of maples or evergreens are particularly at risk. The following are tell-tale signs that Asian Americans have been running amok in your area.
REPORTER
Excuse me.
WES
Jesus fucking Christ, what is it now?
REPORTER
Did you just refer to these bugs as Asian Americans?
WES COVERS MIC.
WES
(TO COMMITTEE) Can we do something about this asshole?
COMMITTEE MEMBERS SHRUG HELPLESSLY.
WES
Yes, yes, I did. Because these bugs are Asian, and they’re in the fucking country of America. Is there something wrong with that? Is that not “hip” or “P.C.” enough to put next to your fucking Maureen Dowd columns and Sunday Styles Sections?
REPORTER
It’s not that, it’s just that—
WES
Hey, you. Mr. Chinese Guy there in the back.
CHINESE GUY IN THE AUDIENCE STANDS UP.
CHINESE GUY
Yes?
WES
Do you have a problem with me referring to these beetles as “Asians” or “Asian Americans”? Is that in any way distasteful or offensive to you?
CHINESE GUY
No, not at all. Let’s just save our forests already.
WES
Thank you. You may sit down.
CHINESE GUY SITS DOWN.
CHINESE GUY
Fucking New York Times Liberal Bullshit.
WES
Mr. Tomlin, I hope that addresses your concern. Now, as I was saying, if we don’t stop these Asians from spreading, they’re going to take all the highest paying jobs and overcharge us for dry cleaning.
REPORTER
All right, now you’re clearly talking about Asian human beings.
Lord All Mighty. I wasn’t being literal, dipshit! “Take all the highest paying jobs and overcharge us for drycleaning” is shorthand for “take down our redwoods and overwhelm our ecosystem!”
REPORTER
How is it shorthand if it takes just as long to say?
WES
Okay, fine. You win. I’m a racist. That’s right, Wes P. Gundrickson is a big, fat, fucking, poopy-pants-ed racist. Shout it from the blogosphere! Engrave it on your iPhones! Tattoo it onto Arianna Huffington’s wrinkled, perfumed pussy! Whoop-dee-doo! Barack Obama for President! There, are you happy now?
REPORTER
Not really.
WES
Well too bad. Now, in order to tell if your forest has been infested, you must first be able to identify the bug itself. But because Asian Americans are so tiny and lightning fast, we’ve been unable get a detailed photograph. However, we were able to get our hands on this artist’s rendering.
SLIDE- PENCIL DRAWING OF ASIAN GUY WITH A MOUSTACHE SMOKING A CIGARETTE AND WEARING TWO LONG BLACK HORNS. THERE IS A DIALOGUE BUBBLE THAT READS “ME GO PEE-PEE IN YOUR COKE.”
REPORTER
All right, this is just ridiculous.
WES
Oh look, here comes the Thought Police again, here to take us away. What’s the problem now?
REPORTER
What’s the problem? That’s just an Asian guy smoking a cigarette!
WES
Look, I said there may have been—Hey, you’re right. Who drew that cigarette in its mouth? These things don’t smoke.
SIMON BERNARD
Wes, I have an idea. Why don’t we take a five-minute break so we can all cool down for a bit?
WES
Sit down, asshole. I’m just getting started. Now, as I was saying, the Asians aren’t going to leave of their own free will. Fortunately, I’ve come up with a solution.
NEXT SLIDE FLASHES. IT READS “INTERNMENT CAMPS.”
WES (CON’T)
Now, internment camps are a simple and cost effective way to contain any—
SECURITY GUARDS ACCOST WES BY THE SHOULDERS.
WES (CON’T)
Hey, what’s going on? Get your goddamned hands off me. You fools! We have to stop them before they go pee-pee in our cokes!
WES EXITS. JASON GARFIELD, A MAN WEARING A COWBOY HAT, TAKES THE PODIUM.
JASON GARFIELD
Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the National Forests Commission, I apologize for that horrid, ugly display of bigotry. I assure you that the rest of this conference will take focus on the real threat facing our America’s forests: the Philipino Fag Bat.
A SLIDE FLASHES, SHOWING A GAY BAT WITH AN ASCOT AND A CIGARETTE HOLDER.
BLACKOUT.
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