Please wait for a site operator to respond.

You are now chatting with 'Jess'

Jess: Welcome to SLEEPY'S, home of the Mattress Professionals and the SLEEPY's Price Guarantee. What size Mattress are you looking for?

Matt: full

Jess: Pillowtop is mostly soft with a pillow on the top of the mattress length and width *** Plush is a medium firm very comfortable with support not too hard not too soft most people are more comfortable on this type of bed**Firm is quite hard little or no give***

Jess: Would you prefer firm,plush, or pillow top?

Matt: plush

Matt: i would like to pay less than $200

Jess: Our Full size sets generally range from 249.99-3999.99.

Jess: We have a major promotion going on that for every purchase that is made between now and Christmas over $999, you are eligible for either: 18 months No Money down, No Interest, and No Payments, or 36 months with equal payments.

Jess: We are also going to offer every customer who purchases from Sleepy’s at below $999 between now and Christmas Eve, either: 6 months No Money down, No Interest, and No Payments, or 12 months with equal payments.

Jess: Matt: how much is shipping

Jess: I will be right with you.

Jess: 79.99

Matt: yikes

Matt: it's 39.00 at 1 800 mattress

Matt: what do you have to say about that?

Jess: I can't comment on what another company charges.

Jess: We will be happy to help you though.

Matt: That's vague

Matt: what full size mattress can i get for 249

[minutes long pause]

Matt: jess? hello?

Jess: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

Matt: i'm drunk on absynthe

Matt: I want a full size mattress so my girlfriend will no longer have to sleep on the floor

Matt: some might call me a monster

Matt: what do i call me? fair

[another long pause]

Matt: whew well it's getting late, i better turn in

Matt: wish i had a BED in which to do so

Matt: you are just like my girlfriend

Matt: you're all like "how can I help you today?" but when it actually comes to ordering the mattress, you're never around.

Matt: goodnight, honey

Jess: my cpu froze sorry

Matt: oh that's what they all say

Matt: i just want a mattress!

Jess: you can get a IBC in that range

Jess: Please call me so I can assist you with pricing and product information at 1-800-753-3797 press 1 then my direct ext7317

Matt: i'm not CALLING you, jess

Matt: it's over

Matt: it's over between you and us

Matt: me, i mean

Matt: no words, jess. goodbye.

Jess: Ok I'm sorry you feel that way

Jess: Thank You for choosing Sleepys the Mattress Professionals!

Jess: Have a Terrific Holiday Season***!!

Chat session has been terminated by the site operator.

--

Never did get to find out what those asterisks were footnoting. (sighs) C'est la vie.

Labels: confessional, drunk, favorites, retail

Come, let's take a trip to the nether-regions of my gmail account, the Spam box!

Sent from: Justin C. Thayer
Subject: All sweet flowers succumb to big rod

I like this one because you could interpret it in almost ANY WAY POSSIBLE. Take away the sexual subtext and it could make for some fascinating religious iconography.

Sent from: Burton C. Wolf
Subject: Length and thickness will give you more power

Holy crap! That means my neighbor Skip who has genital elephantitis is the most powerful person I know! You're smart, Burton C. Wolf! No wonder you have a name like a 19th century British novelist!

Sent from: Luxury Designer Replica
Subject: Why would I want to buy a replica watch instead of a real one?

Whoa, that's exactly what I was thinking! I'm glad we both don't want to buy your fake watches, Luxury Designer Replica!

Sent from: Penis
Subject: Causing an Erection

Well, it just figures that Penis would be the one to send me an email on causing an erection.

Sent from: Rosario P. Cleveland
Subject: Your Baby-maker Needs to Be Bigger in Order Perform Its Functions Well

My... vagina?

Labels: favorites

Labels: blips, favorites

Will anything ever be the same again?

Labels: favorites

Va-va-va-voom!

Helloooo Suzi!

Hey, don't go gettin' all artsy on me!

Labels: favorites, grapes, interracial, love, nude

Labels: favorites

LNI-- Listening to Natalie Imbruglia.
BRBEL-- Being ravaged by El Nino.
ROTFLSHIGTGOASDWMT-- Rolling on the floor laughing so hard I'm going to go out and swing dance with my Tamagachi.

Labels: favorites

So I was playing with my friend Marty’s kitten the other day J-LO J-LO NIPPLE FUCK when I SUCKING FUCKING SUCKING FUCKING RINGTONES happened to notice something NIPPLE QUENCHERS LICKFUCK MAYTAG REPAIRMAN strange about the way little Sniffles was behaving FUCK. Anytime I offered her some HOT ANIMAL COCK BANANA COCK ELEPHANT ELEPHANT BESTIAL catnip CATNIP, she would turn away, roll over and lick her HORNY HOUSEWIFE SEVERE TIRE CLIT paw. I asked SHITEATERS FDR FDR NEW DEAL COCK Marty what was the TEABAG LOHAN SLAP-BRACELETS matter and he told me that ENLARGEMENT PENIS PILLS MEET JOE BLACK RIMJOB some kittens GUZZLE GUZZLE born as strays often don’t JULIANNE MOORE FIRECROTCH FIRECROTCH WIRETAPPING have the patience for things like SWAYZE SWAYZE URKEL FUCK catnip. “Wow!” I said, “You learn something new every COCK COCK day.”

Labels: favorites

Yesterday I stopped in at this place on the Lower East Side called "Lucky Burger."
As one might imagine, they take every opportunity they can to exploit the innuendo of the phrase "getting lucky." There's a list on the wall, "Top 5 Reasons to Go to Lucky Burger!" with things like "You can tell your friends you got lucky!" and "You can get lucky without paying more than 6 bucks!"

As I was eating my lucky burger, I decided that if I ever own a burger joint I will call it "Rimjob Burger." I even worked out my very own "Top 5 Reasons to Go to Rimjob Burger":

5. You can tell your friends you just got the thickest, juiciest rimjob of your life.
4. You can watch your wife get a rimjob from a stranger without feeling jealous.
3. We spend extra time on the buns.
2. Don't eat meat? We’ll give you a tossed salad instead!

And the number 1 reason?

1. It's the only way to get a rimjob without having someone put their tongue inside your asshole.

Labels: favorites

Dear Matt,

Where and when was the first vomit burp?

Johnny Jo,
Kentucky, MO
***
Johnny,

Obviously I can’t tell you where and when the first vomit burp was. Only God can do that, and good luck getting an answer from that asshole!

However, my research indicates that the first DOCUMENTED vomit burp happened in 499 BC during the Persian Wars, when a Greek soldier by the name of Thesis who had just finished defeating his opponent. Intending to expel a victory cry, but having eaten one too many grape leaves earlier in the afternoon, the gallant fighter unleashed recorded history’s first chunky-style belch, pictured here on this lovely antique vase:








Unfazed, Thesis quickly swallowed back and continued fighting.

Hope that helps!
***
Dear Matt,

What was the world like before the internet?

Kimmie
Toronto, OH
***
Kimmie,

I would love to be able to answer your question, but unfortunately my memory has been addled from hours and hours of checking my Myspace page for New Friend Requests.
From what I read on Wikipedia, though, the world was supposed to have been a very nice place.

Hope that helps!
***
Dear Matt,

What do you do when you and your exboyfriend share a phone?

Signed,
Dumped in Detroit.
***
Dear Dumped,

Get a new phone. Hope that helps!

Labels: favorites

Hi everyone, it's the holidays again and you know what THAT means! Eggnogeggnogeggnog!!!! Hahahaha, ROTFLMAO! Just kidding, it means PRESENTS. The time to show that special someone that you truly care about them by bestowing an earthly object at the alter of his or her fancy! That's why Mattkoff.com is teaming up with SweetMilfs.com to bring you a new line of designer wrapping paper that we'll be showcasing here on the site, so stay tuned!

1. "Plump Puss Parade"

This is one of my favorites. The background depicts a metallic-white gradient sky, while in the foreground perfectly-shaped snowflakes and plump pusses fall from the sky. If this doesn't say "Happy Holidays, Pastor Paul" I don't know what does.

Labels: favorites, self-promotion