Last night my comedy group, Shameful Display, did our first weekly political comedy sketch show. I wrote a guest bit for the newsdesk segment of the show (a segment, which some might find reminiscent of a certain other live, weekly, current events-based comedy show, but I wouldn’t know anything about that). Here it is!
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ANCHORS JON AND DAN ARE AT THE NEWSDESK.
JON
With all this talk the past few days about “Joe the Plumber,” Americans have lost sight of another important Joe in this election. That’s right, Joe Sixpack. Just who is this Joe Sixpack we keep hearing about? Here to tell us himself is tonight’s special guest correspondent. Please welcome, Mr. H. Joseph Duffington Sixpack Esquire, III.
SIXPACK
Thank you Jonathan, Daniel. Ladies, gentleman… I, H. Joseph Duffington Sixpack Esquire, III., am a simple man. Like many of you, I wake up in the morning, put my imported Egyptian silk pantaloons on one leg at a time, fix myself a cup of brew from the rarest of all African coffee beans—the Koo-[tongue click]-tahnee bean, and ride to work in one of five custom-made, gold-plated Rolls Royces, driven by my lovable Robot Chauffer named Steve. Yes, I am a quiet, uncomplicated soul, with a quiet, uncomplicated, gaudy, exotic lifestyle. That’s why I’m so glad that Republican Vice Presidential Candidate, Ms. Sarah Palin, has finally decided to take a stand for me, Joe Sixpack, the little guy.
JON
Uh, pardon me, Mr. Sixpack.
SIXPACK
Right-o?
JON
Sorry, I may be out of line here, but you don’t appear to be the, um, average dude that many people seem to think you are.
SIXPACK
Average dude?
JON
Yeah, you know, like a John Q. Public.
SIXPACK
Oh heavens no! John Quincy Public was the captain of my cricket team back at Oxford. Smashing fellow. Every so often we’ll still get together and sink a yacht, you know.
DAN
What Jon is trying to say is that, most people think of Joe Sixpack as a member of the middle class.
SIXPACK
Middle-class? Why that’s me all the way, ol’ Chap. Not quite a trillionaire, but far, far better off than your average millionaire. Yep, I’m right smack dab in the middle. I live in a medium-sized high-rise penthouse, filled with medium-sized Van Gogh originals, located in the middle of Manhattan. I own a medium-sized DeLorean, the one used in the second Back to the Future film—not the first, not the third, but the second. I spend most weekends in my medium-sized private submarine staffed by a medium sized-crew of medium-sized, genetically-engineered Unicorn men. Yes, that’s me. Mr. Middleclass, with a wife, 2.5 kids, and a couple of sarcophaguses in the bank for a rainy day. And it’s time us middle-class got some representation in Washington, dammit!
JOE SIXPACK SLAMS FIST ON TABLE.
JON
So, it’s safe to say that “Sixpack” has nothing to do with beer, then.
SIXPACK
With my gluten allergy? I should hope not! [Laughs.] Mw-ha, Mw-ha! [JON and DAN do not laugh]. Bit of a joke, old Chap… No, us Sixpacks came over on the Mayflower, back when six-packs of beer hardly existed at all. At the time, the lower classes were referred to strictly as ‘Edward Gin-cartridges.’
JON
So what does the name Sixpack even mean?
SIXPACK
Beats me. The only six-pack I know about is right here in my abdominals… from lifting giant bags of money.
JOE SIXPACK WINKS AT THE AUDIENCE.
JON
Joe Sixpack everyone!
SIXPACK
Tally-ho!
END.
