Here is a sketch I wrote last year. It was for the Mother’s Day episode of a now-defunct live sketch show called “8 Track.” Enjoy!
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The Yo Momma Sketch
by Matt Koff
Host CAROLYN CASTIGLIA is onstage.
CAROLYNAll right, now we’re going to do something a little different. In celebration of both Mother’s Day and the upcoming season premiere of the hit show “Yo Momma”, 8 Track is going to hold a good old fashioned Yo Momma Joke Battle. Our first contestant has appeared on Snaps, Whitebread Snaps, Chinese Snaps, The Commonwealth of Independent Snaps, and Gingerbread Snaps: An MTV Holiday Ex-snaps-aganza. Please welcome, the 8 Track’s own Robbie Sublett!
ROBBIE(nonchalant)Whatup.
CAROLYNRobbie has agreed to challenge one brave audience member to a Joke Battle to the Death, the winner of which will win dinner for two at the Olive Garden in Times Square. Any takers?
LOUI’ll do it!
CAROLYNAll right, there we go! What’s your name, Sir?
LOUMy name’s Lou.
CAROLYNAnd you’re familiar with how this kind of thing works?
LOUYeah, definitely.
CAROLYNOkay. Then let the snappiiiing begin!
ROBBIEYo momma’s so fat, when she goes on an airplane, she’s gotta get 2 tickets.
ENTOURAGEOhhh!
LOUYour momma’s so—
Lou pauses, covers his face to hide the fact that he’s crying.
CAROLYNLou, is, uh, is everything okay?
LOUIt’s just— that’s not an exaggeration. My mother does actually take up 2 seats when she’s on an airplane.
ROBBIEOh… Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.
LOUThat’s all right, how could you have? When we boarded a plane last Christmas, we realized that her 2 seats weren’t next to each other. She ended up having to sit in the aisle for the entire flight. But, it’s cool. You didn’t know.
CAROLYNLou, look, um, do you want to sit down?
LOU(suddenly sober)No, I want to keep playing.
ROBBIEI don’t know, I feel sort of weird doing this now.
LOUNo no, it’s fine. They’re just jokes. Hey, your mom’s like the neighborhood bicycle. Everybody gets a ride.
ENTOURAGEOhhhhh!
ROBBIEWell yo momma’s so fat, when she goes bungee jumping, she brings the bridge with her.
Lou breaks down in tears again.
LOUI’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just, last summer, I decided to take Momma (gets choked up, tries to get the words out) bungee jumping for her birthday. Bob the Bungeemaster assured me the Footbridge was strong enough to support someone of Momma’s… stature. But oh how wrong Bob was. I just thank God she skipped breakfast that morning, or else she may not have been able to eat her way out of the wreckage.
Lou bawls. Carolyn comforts him.
CAROLYNJesus, Lou. She survived though, right?
LOUThe doctors said it was a miracle. Apparently she broke both her legs… and gravy came out.
Lou cries. Carolyn consoles Lou by putting his head on her shoulder.
CAROLYN(to Robbie)What the hell is the matter you?
ROBBIEMe?! How was I supposed to know his mother was the size of aircraft carrier?
LOU(bawling)Aircraft Carrier, that’s her nickname at PTA meetings.
ROBBIELook, this stupid contest was your idea.
CAROLYNWell, forget it. The contest is called off!
LOU(sober)No, no, wait, guys, come on, it’s cool. Check this one out. Hey Robbie, what do you call it when 5 cavemen jerk off into a cup and your momma drinks it?
ROBBIEWhat?
LOUWednesday. Your mom’s a prehistoric SLUT! BOOYA!
ENTOURAGEOhhh.
Lou high-fives some of the people in the entourage.
ROBBIEAll right, fuck this. Your momma’s so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.
LOU(breaks down)It’s true!
ROBBIEOh come on. Your mother did not get stuck in the air, that’s impossible.
LOUHey you weren’t there! Every night before I go to sleep, I still see those swollen legs swinging in the air as if God himself were dangling 2 giant breakfast sausages above the human race. It took 8 long hours to get her down. The Fire Department had to use the jaws of life. And if that weren’t bad enough, when she came down, she… landed on a rainbow and Skittles popped out. Oh god, it was awful! (Weeps.)
ROBBIEWait, what’s so bad about that last part?
LOUBecause then she ate the Skittles, Rob! Her bloodsugar’s way too high as it is!
ROBBIEOkay, I’m sorry. Geez.
CAROLYNHere, Lou. Take the gift certificate.
LOUYes! Hey, Mom! We won! We won!
LOU’S MOM (BEASTLY V.O.)Good job, Son! Now let’s get over there before Mamma Mia lets out.
CAROLYN(looking around) Oh, your mom’s in the audience?
LOUOh, sort of. See, my momma’s so fat, we’re inside her right now. (Exit Lou.)
Lou’s mother’s diabolical laughter reverberates through out the auditorium, and then fades out.
ROBBIEDamn.
THE END.