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A toast

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MY GUESS IS AS GOOD AS YOURS (Matt Koff's Annual Oscar Rundown)

Leaves are dead, birds have flown south, and bears seek refuge from the blistering cold in an oft futile attempt to survive. All this can only mean one thing: Yes, Oscar season is just around the corner! Unfortunately, it’s been sort of a busy year for me, so I haven’t gotten around to seeing, well, pretty much any of the movies up for Oscars this year. But, I have watched the trailers, and I think that should be enough to make accurate predictions. So, without further ado, let's take a look at some of this year's Golden hopefuls!

Charlie Wilson’s War

Synopsis: In this political thriller, drama, or perhaps satire, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman team up to either start or stop a war (I can’t really tell from the trailer).

Oscarability: Well, Tom Hanks is in it; he has a southern accent, and the movie’s about a war. That alone probably entitles it to like three Oscars, right?

Schmoscarability: During the whole trailer, I just kept thinking, “Phillip Seymour Hoffman looks funny with a moustache, Julia Roberts looks weird as a blonde, and Tom Hanks’ toupee just looks really fake.” How are you supposed to care about Charlie Wilson’s war when you keep worrying that Charlie Wilson’s hairpiece is gonna fall off?

Sweeney Todd

Synopsis: Johnny Depp plays an eccentric barber named Sweeney Todd who looks a lot like Edward Scissorhands. But, unlike Edward Scissorhands, Todd has actual human hands, talks in a British accent, and murders people. Oh, and he sings.

Oscarability: I think Helena Bonham Carter will win an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. She was really convincing as “Woman Who is Shocked at Everything that Johnny Depp Does.”

Schmoscarability: Well, Edward Scissorhands didn’t win any Oscars. I can’t imagine the fact that he now kills people and sings about it will help matters.

No Country for Old Men

Synopsis: In this thriller, Tommy Lee Jones and some guy who looks like Jeff Foxworthy team up to find a cold blooded maniac who flips coins and blows up cars.

Oscarability: Dude, Tommy Lee Jones got old! Anyone who looks that old deserves an Oscar ASAP. I mean, seriously, let’s not wait until February. Look at him; he could die any minute!

Schmoscarability: Because I pay very close attention when I watch these trailers, I noticed that this movie had two directors: Joel and Ethan Coen. Two directors?! Isn’t that like cheating or something? Even worse: apparently these guys are brothers. Heck, I could make the best movie of the year if I had my brother helping me. If I were in the academy, I would disqualify these jokers.

There Will Be Blood

Synopsis: Daniel Day-Lewis reprises his role as the infamous mustachioed Butcher Bill in this sequel to Gangs of New York. He's still got the bad temper and moustache, but this time he's packing up his bags and moving to the old West! Can Butcher Bill strike it rich as an oil tycoon before it's too late? You'll just have to watch and find out!

Oscarability: Daniel Day-Lewis will probably win the Best Actor award. He spends half the preview covered in oil! The only thing the Academy loves more than actors who get dirty for a role are actors who gain 50 pounds for a role, and I’m pretty sure no one did that this year, so…

Schmoscarability: And the Oscar for Best Musical Score goes to… not this movie. What was with the freaky music? The violinist sounded like he was wrestling with a bear while sprinting on a treadmill. Why can’t every trailer be more like the one for Charlie Wilson’s War and use classic hits like “All Along the Watchtower”? Now that’s movie deserves a Best Musical Score.

Atonement

Synopsis: In this thriller, Keira Knightley goes back in time to find the guy who murdered her—wait, that doesn’t make sense. Okay, honestly, I watched the trailer like three times and still have no idea what this movie is about. I assume it takes place on Yom Kippur though. You know, because of the title.

Oscarability: I think Keira Knightley will win an Oscar for this role. Why? She just has one of those faces where you look at her, and two things happen: You assume that the movie she’s in is based on a Jane Austen novel, and you immediately want to hand her an Oscar for it. Just a hunch though.

Schmoscarability: Well, it definitely won’t win a Best Screenplay Award. The whole movie is just really confusing (that is, if it’s anything like the trailer.) And those are my Oscar predictions! Now go and win some big bucks in your office’s Oscar pool*

*Mattkoff.com is not responsible for any debt massive or slight incurred at your office’s Oscar pool. I mean, I just told you I only watched the trailers. Why would you place money on what I say? What are you, stupid? You must be stupid. STUPID!

Late Night Chat With A Sleepys.com Operator

Please wait for a site operator to respond.

You are now chatting with 'Jess'

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Matt: plush

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Matt: what full size mattress can i get for 249

[minutes long pause]

Matt: jess? hello?

Jess: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

Matt: i'm drunk on absynthe

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[another long pause]

Matt: whew well it's getting late, i better turn in

Matt: wish i had a BED in which to do so

Matt: you are just like my girlfriend

Matt: you're all like "how can I help you today?" but when it actually comes to ordering the mattress, you're never around.

Matt: goodnight, honey

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Matt: oh that's what they all say

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Matt: i'm not CALLING you, jess

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Jess: Ok I'm sorry you feel that way

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Chat session has been terminated by the site operator.

--

Never did get to find out what those asterisks were footnoting. (sighs) C'est la vie.

It's official!!!

No Country for Old Men is a critical and box office hit!

And you know what that means. Hollywood is already clamouring for a you-know-what. (And if you don't-know-what, I won't-say-what, but it rhymes with "freequel.")

That's right, people just won't rest until they see what happens next tothe mysterious but wacky Anton Chigurgh, the wily but secretly anemic (SPOILER ALERT!) Lewellyn Moss, and the world-weary but lion-hearted Tommy Lee Jones cheriff character guy.

If the Coen Brothers read this blog (and I have no reason to believe that they don't), here's some titles to get those No Country for Old Juices flowing again!

No Country for Old Men 2: Back in the Habit
No Country for Old Men 2: Pour Some Chigurgh on Me
No Country for Old Men 2: Mo' Money, Mo' Problems
No Country for Old Men 2: Takin' it to the Streets
No Country for Old Men 2: Old Men Strike Back!
No Country for Old Men 2: Return of Jafar

Now get writin', pardners!

Lordy

I belong to a gym 4 blocks away from my job. On the days when I'm feeling brazen enough, I rush over during my lunch hour to try to squeeze in a workout.If I'm lucky, I can get a half an hour of aerobic exercise and maybe squeeze in some weights exercises.

Yesterday I was feeling just so brazen. I finished eating my sandwich at my desk, gathered my things, put on my hat scarf and coat, rushed down the three stairwells, left the building walked/jogged the four blocks, entered the gym, dug around for my membership card, found it, handed it to the clerk, put my coat scarf and hat on the coat rack, went upstairs to the locker room, changed, and headed for the elliptical machine.

That's when the worst of all possible things happened.

"Excuse me!" I heard a voice say as I began to exit the locker room.

I turned around slowly. And there it was. A bald man, in his sixties, talking to me...completely naked.

"Would you mind handing me a bath towel?"

I was stymied. The naked bald man was so cheery, so apparently carefree in his clotheslessness, that I began to wonder if he even realized that he himself was naked. He had the demeanor not of a naked person, but of a man enjoying a spring afternoon in the park, perhaps wearing a cream-colored suit, cane and top hat.

My first thought, or well my second thought after "Jesus Christ," was that all the towels in the gym were located outside the locker room, on a counter two doors down. Surely this old naked man did not expect me to exit the locker room, walk 2 doors down, grab a towel which he himself should have remembered to take in his pre-naked state, walk back and hand it to him. No no, that would be certifiably insane. Maybe what he meant was, "Would you mind handing me THAT bath towel?" Like, the one that wouldn't require me going out of my way for a strange naked man who was ever so courteously showcasing his graying pubes. I looked around at the two benches on either side of me.

"Oh, no," he said. "The bath towels are located outside the locker room, 2 doors down."

"Oh," I said, as if this were my first time ever at this gym.

And then, something amazing happened. Instead of doing the thing I should have done, which was to put my hands on my hips and say, "Um, why don't you cover up your old wrinkly dick and ass with some pants AND GO AND GET A BATH TOWEL YOURSELF?! EH? EH, GRANDPA JOE?! YOU KNOW WHAT PANTS ARE, DON'T YA?! THEY HAD THOSE BACK IN YOUR DAY, DIDN'T THEY? YOUR DAY, YOU KNOW: THE 1870's?!?! OLDIE!!!" and then storm out heading to the cardio room to enjoy the best indignation-fueled 25-minute elliptical workout of my life-- Yes, instead of doing that, I exited the locker room, and hating myself every step of the way, walked 2 doors down to the towel counter and fetched a towel for Grandpa Saggyballs.

"Thank you very much!" he said as I handed him the bath towel while struggling to avert my eyes in virtually every direction. In the background, I could here a studio audience applaud Dr. Phil as he instructed a 24-year-old husband that it is wrong to hit a woman no matter what the circumstances.

Later, as I rushed back to work 10 minutes late, I wondered what Dr. Phil would have to say about elderly men in gyms across America who inflict their nakedness on others. Probably nothing, I thought. Dr. Phil probably does it too.