GENERAL FOODS INTERNATIONAL COFFEE COMMERCIAL

Hey everyone, here's an alternate version of a sketch that will (maybe) be appearing in the June 4th show of "8 Track"! Enjoy!

--

INTRO: Lights up on two middle aged women, JESS and CINDY. They sit at a kitchen table drinking coffee. Music cue: Brief, wholesome-sounding 1980's-type piano intro.

CINDY
Jess, you know what this coffee reminds me of?

JESS
Hmm?

CINDY
Our trip to Paris.

JESS
Mmm, Springtime, 1988.

CINDY
The Eiffel Tower.

JESS
The Louvre.

CINDY
The smell of freshly baked bread.

JESS
That cafe. They look at each other.

CINDY
That waiter.

Both giggle.

BOTH
What was his name again?... Jean-Luc.

Both smile to themselves and drink their coffee.

Lights fade.

V.O.General Foods International, Cafe Vanilla. Let it bring you back.

Black out.
LIGHTS UP. SAME INTRO.

CINDY
Jess, you know what this coffee reminds me of?

JESS
Hmm?

CINDY
Our first Star Trek Convention.

JESS
Mmm, Springtime, 1986.

CINDY
The Cyborgs.

JESS
The Farengi.

CINDY
The smell of desperate virginity mixed with Klingon B.O.

JESS
That Holodeck.They look at each other.

CINDY
That Starfleet Officer.

Both giggle.

BOTH
What was his name again?... Jean-Luc.

Both smile to themselves and drink their coffee. Lights fade.

V.O.
General Foods International, Cafe Romulan. Let it bring you back.

Blackout.
LIGHTS UP. SAME INTRO.

CINDY
You know what this coffee reminds me of?

JESS
Hmm?

CINDY
That time I was molested by my father.

Awkward pause. Lights fade.

V.O.
General Foods International Cafe Molest: Let it bring you back.

(Read quickly:) If you or anyone in your coffee commercial is the victim of sexual abuse, General Foods Internation urges you to call 1-800-CAFE-RELIEF.

Blackout.
LIGHTS UP. SAME INTRO.

CINDY
You know what this coffee reminds me of?

JESS
Hmm?

CINDY
5 seconds from now.

BOTH
Mmm, 5 seconds from now.

(Pause.)

BOTH (Cont’d)
Hey, wait a minute. You’re saying everything I'm saying.

(Pause.)

BOTH (Cont’d)
Stop that! Hey, cut it out! I SAID STOP IT YOU FUCKING BITCH!
(They scream at each other.)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jess and Cindy wrestle each other to ground. They break their respective coffee cups over each other’s heads. They continue to wrestle.

CINDY
Kiss me, you slut!

Jess and Cindy suddenly start making out with each other.

V.O.
General Foods International, Cafe Psychic Lesbian. Let it bring you out.

BLACKOUT.

Now accepting invitations to barbecues!

Greetings!

The summer season of 2007 is upon us. I am proud to announce that I, Matthew Koff, have begun accepting invitations to barbecues. That's right, any kind of cookout, be small, large, daytime, nighttime, weekend, weekday. Be it a luau, a live pork-pulling, Mayan ritualistic sacrifice, WHATEVER. Don't fret, you're always welcome, to invite me.

MATTKOFF.COM BARBECUE INVITE F.A.Q.

Are you handy with a grill?

Am I handy with a grill? Maybe this will answer your question.


Yup 3 hours of practice 365 days a year in all kinds weather comes at a price. But then again, they don't call me "Hot Dog Hands Koff" for nothing. (Just make sure that you have Weber Limited Edition 2003 Genesis Q-Master, that's the only kind of grill I operate on.)

Um, I'm just having a small gathering with some close friends. Also, I barely know you.

Listen, I understand your reservation. A lot of people get caught up in what I like to call "The Wild Card Factor." --i.e. not knowing me. But please, DO NOT LET THAT STOP YOU FROM INVITING ME. Just say the word, and I'll promise to drink and eat enough that by the end of the first hour I'll be passed out on the bench behind the serving table. Everybody wins.

Umm, you stole my girlfriend.

Hey, I appreciate your concern that I might feel weird because of what happened with Heather, but that was like 5 years ago. Total water under the bridge. Invite away!

My barbecue is BYOB.

NEXT.

---

So you see, there's absolutely no reason, short of me having to bring something, that you should feel reluctant to invite me. If you have any other question, feel free to fax me at (718) HOT-DOGHANDSKOFF between the hours of 2 and 5 am.

Matt and Some Guy have fun, as some other guy looks on (Aug. 2005)

YO MOMMA Sketch

Here's my sketch for the first "8 Track" show, performed on May 21st.

YO MOMMA
by Matt Koff

(8 Track host CAROLYN CASTIGLIA is onstage.)

CAROLYN
All right, now we're going to do something a little different. In celebration of both Mother's Day and the upcoming season premiere of the hit show "Yo Momma", 8 Track is going to hold a good old fashioned Yo Momma Joke Battle. Our first contestant has appeared on Snaps, Whitebread Snaps, Communist Russia Snaps, and “Gingerbread Snaps: An MTV Holiday Ex-snaps-aganza." Please welcome, the 8 Track's own Robbie Michaels!

ROBBIE
(nonchalant) Whatup.

CAROLYN
Robbie has agreed to challenge one brave audience member to a Joke Battle to the Death, the winner of which will win dinner for two at the Olive Garden in Times Square. Any takers?

LOU
I'll do it!

(Lou walks onstage.)

CAROLYN
All right, there we go! What's your name, Sir?

LOU
My name's Lou.

CAROLYN
And you're familiar with how this kind of thing works?

LOU
Yeah, definitely.

CAROLYN
Okay. Then let the snappiiiing begin!

ROBBIE
Yo momma's so fat, when she goes on an airplane, she's gotta get 2 tickets.

ENTOURAGE
Ohhh!

LOU
Your momma's so—

(Lou pauses, covers his face to hide the fact that he's crying.)

CAROLYN
Lou, is, uh, is everything okay?

LOU
It's just— that's not an exaggeration. My mother does actually take up 2 seats when she's on an airplane.

ROBBIE
Oh… Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

LOU
That's all right. It's just been kinda tough. We boarded a plane last Christmas, and realized the 2 seats she booked weren't next to each other. She ended up having to sit in the aisle for the entire flight. But, it’s cool. You didn’t know.

CAROLYN
Lou, look, um, do you want to sit down?

LOU
No, it's fine. I want to keep playing.

ROBBIE
I don't know, I feel sort of weird doing this now.

LOU
No no, it's fine. They're just jokes. Hey, your mom's like the neighborhood bicycle. Everybody gets a ride.

ENTOURAGE
Ohhhhh!

ROBBIE
Well yo momma's so fat, when she goes bungee jumping, she brings the bridge with her.

(Lou breaks down in tears again.)

LOU
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just, last summer, I decided to take Momma
(Lou gets choked up, tries to get the words out)
bungee jumping for her birthday. Bob the Bungeemaster assured me that footbridge was strong enough to support someone of Momma’s... stature. But oh how wrong Bob was. I just thank God she skipped breakfast that morning, or else she may not have been able to eat her way out of the wreckage.

(Lou bawls. Carolyn comes to comfort him.)

CAROLYN
Jesus, Lou. She survived though, right?

LOU
The doctors said it was a miracle. Apparently she broke both her legs... and gravy came out. Sorry.

(Lou cries. Carolyn consoles Lou by putting his head on her shoulder.)

CAROLYN
(To Robbie)
What the hell is the matter you?

ROBBIE
Me?! How was I supposed to know his mother was the size of aircraft carrier?

LOU
Aircraft Carrier, that’s what they call her at the PTA meetings.

(Lou continues to bawl.)

ROBBIE
Look, this stupid contest was your idea.

CAROLYN
Well, forget it. The contest is off!

LOU
(sober)
No, no, wait, guys, come on, it's cool. Check this one out. Hey Robbie, what do you call it when 5 cavemen jerk off into a cup and your momma drinks it?

ROBBIE
What?

LOU
Wednesday. Your mom's a prehistoric SLUT! BOOYA!

ENTOURAGE
Ohhh.

(Lou high-fives some of the people in the entourage.)

ROBBIE
All right, screw this. Your momma's so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.

LOU
(breaks down)
It’s true!

ROBBIE
Oh come on. Your mother did not get stuck in the air, that’s impossible.

LOU
Hey you weren’t there! Every night before I go to sleep, I still see those swollen legs swinging in the air as if God himself were dangling 2 giant breakfast sausages above the human race! It took 8 long hours to get her down. The Fire Department had to use the jaws of life. And if that weren’t bad enough, when she came down, she… landed on a rainbow and Skittles popped out. Oh god, it was awful!

(Lou weeps uncontrollably.)

ROBBIE
Wait, what’s so bad about that last part?

LOU
Because then she ate the Skittles, Rob! Her bloodsugar's way too high as it is!

ROBBIE
Okay, I’m sorry. Geez.

CAROLYN
Here, Lou. Take the gift certificate.

LOU
Yes! Hey, Mom! We won! We won!

LOU'S MOM
(BEASTLY V.O.)
Good job, Son! Now let's get over there before Mamma Mia lets out.

CAROLYN
(looking around)
Oh, your mom’s in the audience?

LOU
Oh, sort of. See, my momma's so fat, we're inside her right now.

(Exit Lou.)

CAROLYN
You know, that reminds me of a song.

(Cue song.)

8 Track Debuts This Monday (May 21st) at 8pm!

Hey readers, I'm writing for a new weekly sketch show that premieres this Monday. It's called 8 Track, and features a gaggle of talented individuals. Not a group, A GAGGLE. So come on out and see it!

(Just for clarification, though--I'm only writing for this show, not performing. So don't whine at me if you schlepped all the way in from Passaic and I wasn't even in the damn show. IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR SKIPPING OVER MY PARENTHETICAL BLOG COMMENTS!!!!

...Sorry. Check out the pretty flyer!)




"The 8-Track" A Seamless Blend of Music and Comedy

Mondays at 8pm. First show May 21st.
No show Memorial Day.


Location: The Green Room 45 Bleecker Street (Previously of "The Culture Project") North side of Bleecker St., between Lafayette & Mott, New York, NY Closest subway: 6 to Bleecker

Tickets: $12.00 - available at the door or in advance.

For now, BYOB -- Discounts at "Astor Wines".

Next/First Show: MAY 21st, 8pm
The Mother's Day Show

Hosted by:
Carolyn Castiglia

Accompanied by:
Shockwave

Featuring Musical Guests:
Erin and her Cello
Cock Lorge
Soce the Elemental Wizard

Standup Comedy by:
Rick Younger

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The 8-Track: A Seamless Blend of Music and Comedy

Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan of Freestyle Love Supreme and Off-Book Productions arrange the hottest comedic writers, actors and musicians in New York City's newest hotbed of downtown comedy and music. The 8-Track creates a brand new sketch comedy show every week directed by AJ Morales ( Wicked Wicked HammerKatz) and combines it with a guest host, musicians, standup comedy, films and a house band- integrating words and music seamlessly!

------------------------------

Credits and Bios:

Sketch Direction:
AJ Morales

Writers:
Dan McCoy
Rob Bates
Matt Koff
Laura Buchholz
Josh Drimmer

Musical Direction:
Damian Cremisio

Performers:
Various


Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan (Creator and Producer), can be seen in the improv comedy hip-hop group Freestyle Love Supreme which has been performed at The Aspen Comedy Festival, Edinburgh Festival Fringe, The Melbourne International Comedy Festival and regularly at The Ars Nova Theater, NYC. He currently produces and performs Shockwave: THE MIXTAPE at Ars Nova Theater and The BEATdown: A Comedy Rap Battle at Mo Pitkins every 4th Saturday. He has trained with Chicago's Joe Bill, Miles Stroth, Mick Napier, NYC's Upright Citizen's Brigade and The People's Improv Theater. Sullivan has production managed Saturday Night Rewritten at Juvie Hall and co-created Character Dogville with Manhattan Comedy Collective. Additionally, he is co-founder of long-form improv troupe TOAST! at UMass Amherst and alumni/director of short-form improv troupe Mission:IMPROVable.

AJ Morales (Director) is Emerging Comics of New York Best Director of 2005, and the proud founder of Wicked Wicked HammerKatz (T.O.N.Y . 'Critics Pick'). Hailing originally from Arizona, he began his sketch comedy career with the legendary Arizona State University group Farce Side, where he performed and wrote for their widely attended weekly show and received 5 Audience Choice awards for his writing. Over the past 8 years, he has directed over 35 theatrical productions and has studied improv under The Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater.

Off-Book Productions



The entity known as Off-Book Productions is currently a birthing brainchild of Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan, the creator of The 8-Track. It was created to help define and promote a loose networking of performers of stage and studio, individuals and companies, and the hard work that gets them there. Created to help collaborate and network musicians and actors, this show is their first official project. Company/Project Affiliations: Beatboxer Entertainment, Goldishack Recordings, Freestyle Love Supreme, The BEATdown, The MIXTAPE, Manhattan Comedy Collective and Character Dogville and JagCo. Productions.

I hope to someday win that book

Overheard in New York Headline Contest (May. 17, 2007)

Chick #1: What's wrong, sweetie?
Chick #2: Well, for the past few weeks I've had... [lowers voice] genital warts.
Chick #1: Oh my god, sweetie. I'm so sorry. [Goes to hug friend, then stops] Oh, wait. We probably shouldn't touch.

--Knockoff purse stall, Chinatown

Overheard by: Kelly

Matt's suggested headline: Or we could just not hug with our vaginas


Wish me luck!!!!!!

Hey everyone!

Do you love beer wenches?

Sure, who doesn't?

Beer wenches=fun!!!!

Now we're talkin'!

Come see improv goliaths Verrazano host "Megawatt" at the Magnet Theater tonight at 8!

254 W 29th St at 8th Avenue.

See ya there, hot stuff!

Yes, it's Spiderman Week in NYC

...and I know I should be out celebrating the festivities, but I'm a little down. See, I just had a meeting with Paramount yesterday, and it seems they're nowhere closer to releasing the Jonathan Lipnicky comeback vehicle that I co-wrote and produced, "Spiderlipnicky: The Adorable Adventures of Spiderboy." They wouldn't give me a straight answer as to why they don't want to release it; something about it appealing to "no demographic" (whatever that means--I don't speak Hollywood jargon.)

Anyway, keep your spirits up, Jonny! We'll get 'em sooner or later!