Summer Movie Preview!

Let’s face it, the summer moviegoing experience is a sham. The ticket prices are too high, the lines are too long, and Hollywood ran out of ideas a long time ago. The only reasons left to go are to eat bad food and to feel the sweet embrace of fresh cinema air conditioning against your sweaty engorged pits. That being said, here’s a guide to some of this summer’s hottest flicks!

May 4th

Spiderman 3

Plot: This time, Spidey fights Sandman, Venom, Green Goblin Jr., and the existential dread we all feel in the face of our own radical freedom and awareness of death. Bring the kids!

Worth seeing? If you like your Spiderman the way you like your coffee (dark), then this is right up your alley. Just don’t bring anyone with a heart condition. When I first saw Venom in the preview, I nearly schvitzed.

May 25th

Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End

Plot: In order to defeat the East India Trading Company, Captain Jack Sparrow and cohorts sail to Singapore to join forces with cunning Chinese Pirate Sao Feng (Chow Yun-Fat).

Worth seeing? They already made a movie about an Asian guy who takes down the East India Trading Company. You may have heard of it, it’s called “Gandhi”?

June 8th

Ocean’s 13

Plot: The old gang reforms and teams up with rival Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia) to go after corrupt casino owner Willie Banks (Al Pacino).

Worth Seeing? Well, the last time Garcia and Pacino worked together on the third installment of something, “Godfather III” happened.

Surf’s Up

Plot: It’s about CGI penguins! Who surf! This one of the few major summer movies that’s not a sequel or a remake, but a completely new idea. And what. A new. Idea. It. Is.

Worth seeing? I have never seen a movie preview bomb harder than the preview for “Surf’s Up.” I heard more laughs during the trailer for “Munich.” I can understand not using real penguins, but you’d think they could afford real writers.

June 15th

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Plot: It’s a race against time as the Fantastic Four try to stop the enigmatic Silver Surfer from wreaking havoc across the globe.

Worth seeing? Only a week after Surf's Up comes a movie that actually puts CGI surfing to good use (destroying civilization). The choice is obvious. (Unless you have young kids. Bummer. You should have had your tubes like totally tied, dude.)

June 22

Evan Almighty

Plot: In this sequel to “Bruce Almighty,” the American public gets bored of Jim Carrey, who is replaced new comedy favorite Steve Carrell. Oh wait, that’s not the plot, that’s the marketing strategy. ZING!

Worth Seeing? It hasn’t even come out yet, and it’s already topped AFI’s “100 Best Sequels to Movies That Weren’t That Great In The First Place” list.

June 27th

Live Free Or Die Hard

Plot: Cyber-crooks try to take down America by destroying the Internet. Who can save the day? That’s right, old school cop John McClain, whose definition of RAM never stopped involving his fists and a terrorist’s face.

Worth seeing? Even at 80, Bruce Willis seems as youthful as ever. Think of it as going to Boca to visit Grandpa, but with more explosions.

July 6th

Vampire in Brooklyn 2: Swearwolf

Plot: The long-awaited follow-up to the 1995 Eddie Murphy vehicle “Vampire in Brooklyn.” This time, Murphy’s foul-mouthed neighbor (Martin Lawrence) gets bitten by a werewolf and transforms into Swearwolf. The two team up and go on a road trip, wreaking havoc across America. Murphy and Lawrence also play the rest of the film’s characters, all of whom happen to be obese women.

Worth Seeing? Critics are already calling it “more disgusting than Norbitt.” I’m there!

July 13th

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Plot: Trouble brews as Harry begins his fifth year at Hogwarts Academy. Voldemore’s return looms, while a new witch takes control of the school, throwing everything into chaos.

Worth seeing? With Daniel Radcliffe all grown up, “Phoenix” is the first Harry Potter movie that can be enjoyed equally by both kids and lonely housewives.

July 20th

Hairspray

Plot: N/A. (The movie does have a plot. But I was looking up a synopsis online, and as soon as I saw a picture of John Travolta in a fat suit and a dress, I had to turn the monitor off and go for a walk.)

Worth seeing? If your idea of entertainment is watching an overweight transvestite prance around in a dress, I know of this great place off the interstate…

July 27th

The Simpsons Movie

Plot: Fox has managed to keep secret the plot of this highly anticipated movie version of the megahit show. But whatever it is, it looks big!

Worth seeing? Don’t let the current state of the show dissuade you. They’ve just been hoarding all the good jokes from the last 8 seasons and saving them for this movie. (I hope.)

Well, I think that's about all the movies coming out this summer. Until next time, see you at the movies!*

* But don’t be offended if I don’t say hello first. It’s not that I don’t like you. I’m just awkward about stuff like that. Ok... bye now.

Pictures of People on Segways

Are you trying to tell me something?

One of my coworkers is a middle-aged Indian man named Krupal. Today, after coming back from lunch, he stopped by my desk.

"Here, you'll like this," he said, reaching into his pocket.

I wasn't sure what he was going to give me. Perhaps a funny pet photo, or an inspiring or insightful essay from author V.S. Naipal.

What he pulled out was a coupon:

"FREE!
6 Cookies
With Purchase of $20 or More at McDonald's."

You go through this life knowing very little about how others truly perceive you. But every so often, you get a little hint. Today, for example, I found out that one of my co-workers thinks I can eat $20 worth of greasy fast food and still be hungry for cookies.

Or maybe he thinks that I have 2 or 3 friends that care as little about their health as I apparently do, and that after work, I will call them and tell them the great news.

"DUDES, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I JUST GOT FROM MY COWORKER."

"Whascht icschit?" (They can't talk without slurring because they're so fat)

"A COUPON FOR 6 FREE COOKIES AT MICKEY D'S!"

"Yeeeeschscschsch!!!" (unending streams of drool)

They then immediately oil up their stomachs so as to slide out of their apartments and come meet me for a merry fat feast.

Upon further examination I see that the coupon is for delivery only (apparently McDonald's delivers now). So not only am I fat, but I guess I am also too lazy to get up and get my own food.

Oh well, I guess it's not as bad as that coupon for plastic surgery that my boss gave me last month.

Unnecessary? Perhaps.

This morning, I stood a block away from my job in the rain, waiting for the walk signal to change so I could cross the street and go inside. What looked like a class of 6th graders on a field trip stood behind me. There must have been about 20 of them, but only four of them had umbrellas. The rest of us got soaked as we waited for what seemed like forever for the walk signal to change. It was dreary, it was miserable, and when it seemed it couldn’t get any worse, a speeding dump truck ran through a puddle and splashed us all with filthy water. Caught up in the moment, I didn't know what to do, so I turned around, ripped my shirt off, and yelled, “WELCOME TO THE REAL FUCKIN’ WORLD, KIDS! A HA HA!!!!”

I threw my shirt on the ground and ran away like a coked up demon.

It certainly seemed like the appropriate thing to do at the time. But now I gotta buy a new shirt.