38 Ways to Ask for Bread with Your Salad

1. Excuse me, can I have some bread with this salad?
2. Excuse you, can I have some bread with this salad?
3. You know what would really complete this salad? SOME BREAD.
4. My salad and some bread and you bringing it to me have an appointment.
5. Does oral sex qualify as sexual intercourse? Yes. Do I want bread with my salad? Same answer.
6. A salad without bread is like a day without jackalopes.
7. Um, like, where’s the bread?
8. One two three o’clock four o’clock BREAD. Five six seven o’clock eight o’clock WITH. Nine ten eleven o’clock twelve o’clock SALAD. We’re gonna bread, around, the salad tonight—
9. Give me liberty or give me death. Or just bread with my salad.
10. I feel as if drowning in a sea of salad. Won’t someone bring along a breadboat?
11. This would be the perfect salad if only these croutons unified and softened.
12. My corneas are burning! I want some bread with my salad!
13. Salad with bread you will give me?
14. I haven’t felt this good since you haven’t given me any bread with my salad yet!
15. I really (BREAD) like the color of (WITH MY) your (SALAD?) wristwatch.
16. There is a bread-sized void in the salad of my soul.
17. Hey check out this novella I’m writing. It’s called “Ophelia’s Bread” and it’s about a woman’s struggle to find herself in a society that won’t give her bread with her salad.
18. ?Tienes pan para mi ensalate?
19. My Salad Squadron would like to join forces with your Bread Batallion.
20. Dost thou wish to scorn me by depriving me of what I crave most. Namely, bread with my salad?
21. Stop salad what’s that sound, everybody bread what’s goin’ down.
22. My “ex-wife” is “stalking me.”
23. The Headless Horseman? Washington Irving should have written about “The Breadless Salad.” Now THAT’S a scary story! Huh? Huh?
24. And the Oscar goes to, “Bread with my Salad!”
25. I do not wish to be part of your sick “Let’s see what happens when we give this guy salad without any bread” experiment any longer!
26. Look, I know that a salad without bread isn’t anywhere near as bad as the situation in Darfur, but that doesn’t make it any less of a problem.
27. OMG Bread and Salad are getting married and they want you to be the minister!!
28. I wizzant some bread wit mah salad. (thanks to Gizoogle.com)
29. Fasten your salad, it’s gonna be a breaddy ride.
30. I believe in a thing called Bread. Just listen to the rhythm of the salad.
31. Here’s a twenty, go buy a clue. Preferrably one made of bread. Then bring it back to me, so I can eat it with my salad.
32. P equals salad and Q equals bread. If P then Q modus tollens BRING ME SOME BREAD BEEYATCH.
33. Bread light green light 1 2 salad 3!
34. Global climate change affects all of us. Can I have some bread with my salad?
35. Drop Bread Fred.
36. Well if it isn’t Saladdy McNobread.
37. My salad is East Germany, and some bread is West Germany, and I’m gonna take you down like the Berlin Wall.
38. Pour some bread on me (in the name of salad).

HOLY SHIT!!

"Ha ha ha put us down please!"

An Old Sketch

by me, James Jajac, and Adam Shuty

Open on BILL, a tired looking man in a bathrobe. He is on the phone.

VOICE: HELLO and welcome to Triglon. My name is Willis, your automated attendant. If you would like to order medication, say hello willis.

BILL: Hello Willis.

VOICE: Would you like medication for your mind, body, or soul?

BILL: Body.

VOICE: Say body (OR ONE) for body. Say mind (OR TWO) for mind. For soul, say three.

BILL: BODY. BODY ONE.

VOICE: Let me see if I got that. You want medication for your body. If this correct, press three or say 2.

BILL: THR--TWO.

VOICE: Okay. Got it. Wow. This is fun. What kind of medication do you want?

BILL: PAINKILLER.

VOICE: Okay! PAINKILLER -- MAIN MENU. Please say the name of the pain killer you want.

BILL: Celaphedrin.

VOICE: Did you say celaphedrin?

BILL: Yes.

VOICE: You said celaphedrin! Mmm, that's my favorite! I am enjoying processing your order. Please enter your indentification number.

(Bill enters number.)

VOICE: Hello WILLIAM DONOHUE. If you want Mexanol,. press 1. If you want, brandifine, press two. If you want celephedrine, press 8.

(Enters number.)

BILL: Wait, I pressed the wrong one!

VOICE: You pressed 3 and have just ordered, 8 non refundable tickets to see HITCH with Will Smith and Kevin James.

BILL: NO!!!!

VOICE: I'm sorry, i didn't quite get that!

BILL: NO!!!!

VOICE: I'm sorry, i didn't quite get that!

BILL: NO tickets!!!!!!!

VOICE: Wow, this is getting tricky! Please hold while we transfer you.

RACHEL (human) : Okay hi my name is Rachael and to confirm your order. You got 3 limousines to take you to see the new blockbuster Hitch staring Will smith and Kevin James., 15 cases of Dom Perignon on ice, the Pokemon Sticker book and as an added bonus you will receive the new Mariah Carey CD compilation CD absolutely free.

BILL: I didn't order any of that!

RACHEL: We will have to put you on hold.

(Hold music.)

RACHEL: OK to clarify we cancelled the Pokemon Sticker Book and have charged your Mastercard last 4 digits 5634 the sum non-refundable total of $3657.72 and you will receive the welcome kit and Delta sky miles. Jacko the Welcome Clown will pick you up in limo one the marquis in our Trident service in about 5 seconds. Thank you for choosing Triglon for all your entertainment and medicinal needs.

BILL: Wait don't hang up! What are you talking about. I meant to push 3, I mean 8! Argh!!!!!

(There is a knock at the door.)

LIMO DRIVER: Hello Mr. Howard. Ready to go to? The limos are out front and the bubbly is chillin'!

(BILL limps to the door and opens it. JACKO THE WELCOME CLOWN chases Bill and drags him out.)

BILL: GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF ME!!

LIMO: Damn for a rich dude, this place is busted.

(BLACKOUT)

Happy Valentine's Day!

My mom visited my grandmother in the assisted living facility the other day. There, my mom found some unwanted information about Grandma's marriage.

"The key to a good marriage is in the bedroom," said Grandma. Apparently, the thing kept my Grandmother and Grandfather, who was a dick (figuratively) together for over 60 years

was........ well, uhhh...................in so many words........oh dear God please don't make me say it...............................ok fine: the sex.

My mom told me about this over lunch. I wish she could have at least waited till dessert. Until then I was really enjoying my chicken paella.

Anyway, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Above: Someone else's grandmother. I'll bet she never had sex. Grandma take note, ya slut!

Probably the most unnecessary protest I've ever seen

"Arctic blast shuts down schools, trains, roads"

Foolish mortals, NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME?!!

Valentine's Day Sketch Show This Thursday thru Saturday!

A very funny sketch show I co-wrote and am performing in, entitled "Tenderly Devoted Heartsongs for the Lovelorn Journeyman," is going up for 3 nights beginning this Thursday!




















WHERE: The Sage Theater
711 Seventh Ave (in Times Square)

WHEN: 8:30 pm Thursday Feb 8th, Friday Feb 9th, and Saturday Feb 10th.

HOW MUCH: $10.
2-for-1 discount if you have a student ID.
If you want to see the show but can't afford $10, email me at matt dot koff at gmail dot com.

Thanks!

P.S. Also, check out my Valentine's Day article in Davie and The Ranches Emagazine (page 28)! Scuzzawuzza!

HoOrAy!!!

I am a runner-up in last Monday's Headline Contest at OverheardinNY.com. Yay!!!

I will be taking all my non-existent prize money and buying an imaginary condominium on the pretend beaches of Cape Suzette, the fictionalized city-state from the Disney Afternoon hit "Tale Spin."

Louie offers Balu a "Wacky Banany" on the scenic shores of Cape Suzette

Finally, I will no longer be a pariah for walking around in public sans pants.

Thanks again, Overheard In New York!