MY GUESS IS AS GOOD AS YOURS (Matt Koff's Annual Oscar Rundown)
Leaves are dead, birds have flown south, and bears seek refuge from the blistering cold in an oft futile attempt to survive. All this can only mean one thing: Yes, Oscar season is just around the corner! Unfortunately, it’s been sort of a busy year for me, so I haven’t gotten around to seeing, well, pretty much any of the movies up for Oscars this year. But, I have watched the trailers, and I think that should be enough to make accurate predictions. So, without further ado, let's take a look at some of this year's Golden hopefuls!
Synopsis: In this political thriller, drama, or perhaps satire, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman team up to either start or stop a war (I can’t really tell from the trailer).
Oscarability: Well, Tom Hanks is in it; he has a southern accent, and the movie’s about a war. That alone probably entitles it to like three Oscars, right?
Schmoscarability: During the whole trailer, I just kept thinking, “Phillip Seymour Hoffman looks funny with a moustache, Julia Roberts looks weird as a blonde, and Tom Hanks’ toupee just looks really fake.” How are you supposed to care about Charlie Wilson’s war when you keep worrying that Charlie Wilson’s hairpiece is gonna fall off?
Synopsis: Johnny Depp plays an eccentric barber named Sweeney Todd who looks a lot like Edward Scissorhands. But, unlike Edward Scissorhands, Todd has actual human hands, talks in a British accent, and murders people. Oh, and he sings.
Oscarability: I think Helena Bonham Carter will win an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. She was really convincing as “Woman Who is Shocked at Everything that Johnny Depp Does.”
Schmoscarability: Well, Edward Scissorhands didn’t win any Oscars. I can’t imagine the fact that he now kills people and sings about it will help matters.
Synopsis: In this thriller, Tommy Lee Jones and some guy who looks like Jeff Foxworthy team up to find a cold blooded maniac who flips coins and blows up cars.
Synopsis: Daniel Day-Lewis reprises his role as the infamous mustachioed Butcher Bill in this sequel to Gangs of New York. He's still got the bad temper and moustache, but this time he's packing up his bags and moving to the old West! Can Butcher Bill strike it rich as an oil tycoon before it's too late? You'll just have to watch and find out!
Oscarability: Daniel Day-Lewis will probably win the Best Actor award. He spends half the preview covered in oil! The only thing the Academy loves more than actors who get dirty for a role are actors who gain 50 pounds for a role, and I’m pretty sure no one did that this year, so…
Synopsis: In this thriller, Keira Knightley goes back in time to find the guy who murdered her—wait, that doesn’t make sense. Okay, honestly, I watched the trailer like three times and still have no idea what this movie is about. I assume it takes place on Yom Kippur though. You know, because of the title.
Charlie Wilson’s War
Synopsis: In this political thriller, drama, or perhaps satire, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman team up to either start or stop a war (I can’t really tell from the trailer).Oscarability: Well, Tom Hanks is in it; he has a southern accent, and the movie’s about a war. That alone probably entitles it to like three Oscars, right?
Schmoscarability: During the whole trailer, I just kept thinking, “Phillip Seymour Hoffman looks funny with a moustache, Julia Roberts looks weird as a blonde, and Tom Hanks’ toupee just looks really fake.” How are you supposed to care about Charlie Wilson’s war when you keep worrying that Charlie Wilson’s hairpiece is gonna fall off?
Sweeney Todd
Synopsis: Johnny Depp plays an eccentric barber named Sweeney Todd who looks a lot like Edward Scissorhands. But, unlike Edward Scissorhands, Todd has actual human hands, talks in a British accent, and murders people. Oh, and he sings.Oscarability: I think Helena Bonham Carter will win an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. She was really convincing as “Woman Who is Shocked at Everything that Johnny Depp Does.”
Schmoscarability: Well, Edward Scissorhands didn’t win any Oscars. I can’t imagine the fact that he now kills people and sings about it will help matters.
No Country for Old Men
Synopsis: In this thriller, Tommy Lee Jones and some guy who looks like Jeff Foxworthy team up to find a cold blooded maniac who flips coins and blows up cars.Oscarability: Dude, Tommy Lee Jones got old! Anyone who looks that old deserves an Oscar ASAP. I mean, seriously, let’s not wait until February. Look at him; he could die any minute!
Schmoscarability: Because I pay very close attention when I watch these trailers, I noticed that this movie had two directors: Joel and Ethan Coen. Two directors?! Isn’t that like cheating or something? Even worse: apparently these guys are brothers. Heck, I could make the best movie of the year if I had my brother helping me. If I were in the academy, I would disqualify these jokers.
There Will Be Blood
Synopsis: Daniel Day-Lewis reprises his role as the infamous mustachioed Butcher Bill in this sequel to Gangs of New York. He's still got the bad temper and moustache, but this time he's packing up his bags and moving to the old West! Can Butcher Bill strike it rich as an oil tycoon before it's too late? You'll just have to watch and find out!Oscarability: Daniel Day-Lewis will probably win the Best Actor award. He spends half the preview covered in oil! The only thing the Academy loves more than actors who get dirty for a role are actors who gain 50 pounds for a role, and I’m pretty sure no one did that this year, so…
Schmoscarability: And the Oscar for Best Musical Score goes to… not this movie. What was with the freaky music? The violinist sounded like he was wrestling with a bear while sprinting on a treadmill. Why can’t every trailer be more like the one for Charlie Wilson’s War and use classic hits like “All Along the Watchtower”? Now that’s movie deserves a Best Musical Score.
Atonement
Synopsis: In this thriller, Keira Knightley goes back in time to find the guy who murdered her—wait, that doesn’t make sense. Okay, honestly, I watched the trailer like three times and still have no idea what this movie is about. I assume it takes place on Yom Kippur though. You know, because of the title.Oscarability: I think Keira Knightley will win an Oscar for this role. Why? She just has one of those faces where you look at her, and two things happen: You assume that the movie she’s in is based on a Jane Austen novel, and you immediately want to hand her an Oscar for it. Just a hunch though.
Schmoscarability: Well, it definitely won’t win a Best Screenplay Award. The whole movie is just really confusing (that is, if it’s anything like the trailer.) And those are my Oscar predictions! Now go and win some big bucks in your office’s Oscar pool*
*Mattkoff.com is not responsible for any debt massive or slight incurred at your office’s Oscar pool. I mean, I just told you I only watched the trailers. Why would you place money on what I say? What are you, stupid? You must be stupid. STUPID!
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This entry was posted by Matt, on
Monday, December 24, 2007.
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