YO MOMMA Sketch
Here's my sketch for the first "8 Track" show, performed on May 21st.
YO MOMMA
by Matt Koff
(8 Track host CAROLYN CASTIGLIA is onstage.)
CAROLYN
All right, now we're going to do something a little different. In celebration of both Mother's Day and the upcoming season premiere of the hit show "Yo Momma", 8 Track is going to hold a good old fashioned Yo Momma Joke Battle. Our first contestant has appeared on Snaps, Whitebread Snaps, Communist Russia Snaps, and “Gingerbread Snaps: An MTV Holiday Ex-snaps-aganza." Please welcome, the 8 Track's own Robbie Michaels!
ROBBIE
(nonchalant) Whatup.
CAROLYN
Robbie has agreed to challenge one brave audience member to a Joke Battle to the Death, the winner of which will win dinner for two at the Olive Garden in Times Square. Any takers?
LOU
I'll do it!
(Lou walks onstage.)
CAROLYN
All right, there we go! What's your name, Sir?
LOU
My name's Lou.
CAROLYN
And you're familiar with how this kind of thing works?
LOU
Yeah, definitely.
CAROLYN
Okay. Then let the snappiiiing begin!
ROBBIE
Yo momma's so fat, when she goes on an airplane, she's gotta get 2 tickets.
ENTOURAGE
Ohhh!
LOU
Your momma's so—
(Lou pauses, covers his face to hide the fact that he's crying.)
CAROLYN
Lou, is, uh, is everything okay?
LOU
It's just— that's not an exaggeration. My mother does actually take up 2 seats when she's on an airplane.
ROBBIE
Oh… Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
LOU
That's all right. It's just been kinda tough. We boarded a plane last Christmas, and realized the 2 seats she booked weren't next to each other. She ended up having to sit in the aisle for the entire flight. But, it’s cool. You didn’t know.
CAROLYN
Lou, look, um, do you want to sit down?
LOU
No, it's fine. I want to keep playing.
ROBBIE
I don't know, I feel sort of weird doing this now.
LOU
No no, it's fine. They're just jokes. Hey, your mom's like the neighborhood bicycle. Everybody gets a ride.
ENTOURAGE
Ohhhhh!
ROBBIE
Well yo momma's so fat, when she goes bungee jumping, she brings the bridge with her.
(Lou breaks down in tears again.)
LOU
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just, last summer, I decided to take Momma
(Lou gets choked up, tries to get the words out)
bungee jumping for her birthday. Bob the Bungeemaster assured me that footbridge was strong enough to support someone of Momma’s... stature. But oh how wrong Bob was. I just thank God she skipped breakfast that morning, or else she may not have been able to eat her way out of the wreckage.
(Lou bawls. Carolyn comes to comfort him.)
CAROLYN
Jesus, Lou. She survived though, right?
LOU
The doctors said it was a miracle. Apparently she broke both her legs... and gravy came out. Sorry.
(Lou cries. Carolyn consoles Lou by putting his head on her shoulder.)
CAROLYN
(To Robbie)
What the hell is the matter you?
ROBBIE
Me?! How was I supposed to know his mother was the size of aircraft carrier?
LOU
Aircraft Carrier, that’s what they call her at the PTA meetings.
(Lou continues to bawl.)
ROBBIE
Look, this stupid contest was your idea.
CAROLYN
Well, forget it. The contest is off!
LOU
(sober)
No, no, wait, guys, come on, it's cool. Check this one out. Hey Robbie, what do you call it when 5 cavemen jerk off into a cup and your momma drinks it?
ROBBIE
What?
LOU
Wednesday. Your mom's a prehistoric SLUT! BOOYA!
ENTOURAGE
Ohhh.
(Lou high-fives some of the people in the entourage.)
ROBBIE
All right, screw this. Your momma's so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.
LOU
(breaks down)
It’s true!
ROBBIE
Oh come on. Your mother did not get stuck in the air, that’s impossible.
LOU
Hey you weren’t there! Every night before I go to sleep, I still see those swollen legs swinging in the air as if God himself were dangling 2 giant breakfast sausages above the human race! It took 8 long hours to get her down. The Fire Department had to use the jaws of life. And if that weren’t bad enough, when she came down, she… landed on a rainbow and Skittles popped out. Oh god, it was awful!
(Lou weeps uncontrollably.)
ROBBIE
Wait, what’s so bad about that last part?
LOU
Because then she ate the Skittles, Rob! Her bloodsugar's way too high as it is!
ROBBIE
Okay, I’m sorry. Geez.
CAROLYN
Here, Lou. Take the gift certificate.
LOU
Yes! Hey, Mom! We won! We won!
LOU'S MOM
(BEASTLY V.O.)
Good job, Son! Now let's get over there before Mamma Mia lets out.
CAROLYN
(looking around)
Oh, your mom’s in the audience?
LOU
Oh, sort of. See, my momma's so fat, we're inside her right now.
(Exit Lou.)
CAROLYN
You know, that reminds me of a song.
(Cue song.)
YO MOMMA
by Matt Koff
(8 Track host CAROLYN CASTIGLIA is onstage.)
CAROLYN
All right, now we're going to do something a little different. In celebration of both Mother's Day and the upcoming season premiere of the hit show "Yo Momma", 8 Track is going to hold a good old fashioned Yo Momma Joke Battle. Our first contestant has appeared on Snaps, Whitebread Snaps, Communist Russia Snaps, and “Gingerbread Snaps: An MTV Holiday Ex-snaps-aganza." Please welcome, the 8 Track's own Robbie Michaels!
ROBBIE
(nonchalant) Whatup.
CAROLYN
Robbie has agreed to challenge one brave audience member to a Joke Battle to the Death, the winner of which will win dinner for two at the Olive Garden in Times Square. Any takers?
LOU
I'll do it!
(Lou walks onstage.)
CAROLYN
All right, there we go! What's your name, Sir?
LOU
My name's Lou.
CAROLYN
And you're familiar with how this kind of thing works?
LOU
Yeah, definitely.
CAROLYN
Okay. Then let the snappiiiing begin!
ROBBIE
Yo momma's so fat, when she goes on an airplane, she's gotta get 2 tickets.
ENTOURAGE
Ohhh!
LOU
Your momma's so—
(Lou pauses, covers his face to hide the fact that he's crying.)
CAROLYN
Lou, is, uh, is everything okay?
LOU
It's just— that's not an exaggeration. My mother does actually take up 2 seats when she's on an airplane.
ROBBIE
Oh… Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
LOU
That's all right. It's just been kinda tough. We boarded a plane last Christmas, and realized the 2 seats she booked weren't next to each other. She ended up having to sit in the aisle for the entire flight. But, it’s cool. You didn’t know.
CAROLYN
Lou, look, um, do you want to sit down?
LOU
No, it's fine. I want to keep playing.
ROBBIE
I don't know, I feel sort of weird doing this now.
LOU
No no, it's fine. They're just jokes. Hey, your mom's like the neighborhood bicycle. Everybody gets a ride.
ENTOURAGE
Ohhhhh!
ROBBIE
Well yo momma's so fat, when she goes bungee jumping, she brings the bridge with her.
(Lou breaks down in tears again.)
LOU
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just, last summer, I decided to take Momma
(Lou gets choked up, tries to get the words out)
bungee jumping for her birthday. Bob the Bungeemaster assured me that footbridge was strong enough to support someone of Momma’s... stature. But oh how wrong Bob was. I just thank God she skipped breakfast that morning, or else she may not have been able to eat her way out of the wreckage.
(Lou bawls. Carolyn comes to comfort him.)
CAROLYN
Jesus, Lou. She survived though, right?
LOU
The doctors said it was a miracle. Apparently she broke both her legs... and gravy came out. Sorry.
(Lou cries. Carolyn consoles Lou by putting his head on her shoulder.)
CAROLYN
(To Robbie)
What the hell is the matter you?
ROBBIE
Me?! How was I supposed to know his mother was the size of aircraft carrier?
LOU
Aircraft Carrier, that’s what they call her at the PTA meetings.
(Lou continues to bawl.)
ROBBIE
Look, this stupid contest was your idea.
CAROLYN
Well, forget it. The contest is off!
LOU
(sober)
No, no, wait, guys, come on, it's cool. Check this one out. Hey Robbie, what do you call it when 5 cavemen jerk off into a cup and your momma drinks it?
ROBBIE
What?
LOU
Wednesday. Your mom's a prehistoric SLUT! BOOYA!
ENTOURAGE
Ohhh.
(Lou high-fives some of the people in the entourage.)
ROBBIE
All right, screw this. Your momma's so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.
LOU
(breaks down)
It’s true!
ROBBIE
Oh come on. Your mother did not get stuck in the air, that’s impossible.
LOU
Hey you weren’t there! Every night before I go to sleep, I still see those swollen legs swinging in the air as if God himself were dangling 2 giant breakfast sausages above the human race! It took 8 long hours to get her down. The Fire Department had to use the jaws of life. And if that weren’t bad enough, when she came down, she… landed on a rainbow and Skittles popped out. Oh god, it was awful!
(Lou weeps uncontrollably.)
ROBBIE
Wait, what’s so bad about that last part?
LOU
Because then she ate the Skittles, Rob! Her bloodsugar's way too high as it is!
ROBBIE
Okay, I’m sorry. Geez.
CAROLYN
Here, Lou. Take the gift certificate.
LOU
Yes! Hey, Mom! We won! We won!
LOU'S MOM
(BEASTLY V.O.)
Good job, Son! Now let's get over there before Mamma Mia lets out.
CAROLYN
(looking around)
Oh, your mom’s in the audience?
LOU
Oh, sort of. See, my momma's so fat, we're inside her right now.
(Exit Lou.)
CAROLYN
You know, that reminds me of a song.
(Cue song.)
This entry was posted by Matt, on
Thursday, May 24, 2007.
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