An Old Sketch
by me, James Jajac, and Adam Shuty
Open on BILL, a tired looking man in a bathrobe. He is on the phone.
VOICE: HELLO and welcome to Triglon. My name is Willis, your automated attendant. If you would like to order medication, say hello willis.
BILL: Hello Willis.
VOICE: Would you like medication for your mind, body, or soul?
BILL: Body.
VOICE: Say body (OR ONE) for body. Say mind (OR TWO) for mind. For soul, say three.
BILL: BODY. BODY ONE.
VOICE: Let me see if I got that. You want medication for your body. If this correct, press three or say 2.
BILL: THR--TWO.
VOICE: Okay. Got it. Wow. This is fun. What kind of medication do you want?
BILL: PAINKILLER.
VOICE: Okay! PAINKILLER -- MAIN MENU. Please say the name of the pain killer you want.
BILL: Celaphedrin.
VOICE: Did you say celaphedrin?
BILL: Yes.
VOICE: You said celaphedrin! Mmm, that's my favorite! I am enjoying processing your order. Please enter your indentification number.
(Bill enters number.)
VOICE: Hello WILLIAM DONOHUE. If you want Mexanol,. press 1. If you want, brandifine, press two. If you want celephedrine, press 8.
(Enters number.)
BILL: Wait, I pressed the wrong one!
VOICE: You pressed 3 and have just ordered, 8 non refundable tickets to see HITCH with Will Smith and Kevin James.
BILL: NO!!!!
VOICE: I'm sorry, i didn't quite get that!
BILL: NO!!!!
VOICE: I'm sorry, i didn't quite get that!
BILL: NO tickets!!!!!!!
VOICE: Wow, this is getting tricky! Please hold while we transfer you.
RACHEL (human) : Okay hi my name is Rachael and to confirm your order. You got 3 limousines to take you to see the new blockbuster Hitch staring Will smith and Kevin James., 15 cases of Dom Perignon on ice, the Pokemon Sticker book and as an added bonus you will receive the new Mariah Carey CD compilation CD absolutely free.
BILL: I didn't order any of that!
RACHEL: We will have to put you on hold.
(Hold music.)
RACHEL: OK to clarify we cancelled the Pokemon Sticker Book and have charged your Mastercard last 4 digits 5634 the sum non-refundable total of $3657.72 and you will receive the welcome kit and Delta sky miles. Jacko the Welcome Clown will pick you up in limo one the marquis in our Trident service in about 5 seconds. Thank you for choosing Triglon for all your entertainment and medicinal needs.
BILL: Wait don't hang up! What are you talking about. I meant to push 3, I mean 8! Argh!!!!!
(There is a knock at the door.)
LIMO DRIVER: Hello Mr. Howard. Ready to go to? The limos are out front and the bubbly is chillin'!
(BILL limps to the door and opens it. JACKO THE WELCOME CLOWN chases Bill and drags him out.)
BILL: GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF ME!!
LIMO: Damn for a rich dude, this place is busted.
(BLACKOUT)
Open on BILL, a tired looking man in a bathrobe. He is on the phone.
VOICE: HELLO and welcome to Triglon. My name is Willis, your automated attendant. If you would like to order medication, say hello willis.
BILL: Hello Willis.
VOICE: Would you like medication for your mind, body, or soul?
BILL: Body.
VOICE: Say body (OR ONE) for body. Say mind (OR TWO) for mind. For soul, say three.
BILL: BODY. BODY ONE.
VOICE: Let me see if I got that. You want medication for your body. If this correct, press three or say 2.
BILL: THR--TWO.
VOICE: Okay. Got it. Wow. This is fun. What kind of medication do you want?
BILL: PAINKILLER.
VOICE: Okay! PAINKILLER -- MAIN MENU. Please say the name of the pain killer you want.
BILL: Celaphedrin.
VOICE: Did you say celaphedrin?
BILL: Yes.
VOICE: You said celaphedrin! Mmm, that's my favorite! I am enjoying processing your order. Please enter your indentification number.
(Bill enters number.)
VOICE: Hello WILLIAM DONOHUE. If you want Mexanol,. press 1. If you want, brandifine, press two. If you want celephedrine, press 8.
(Enters number.)
BILL: Wait, I pressed the wrong one!
VOICE: You pressed 3 and have just ordered, 8 non refundable tickets to see HITCH with Will Smith and Kevin James.
BILL: NO!!!!
VOICE: I'm sorry, i didn't quite get that!
BILL: NO!!!!
VOICE: I'm sorry, i didn't quite get that!
BILL: NO tickets!!!!!!!
VOICE: Wow, this is getting tricky! Please hold while we transfer you.
RACHEL (human) : Okay hi my name is Rachael and to confirm your order. You got 3 limousines to take you to see the new blockbuster Hitch staring Will smith and Kevin James., 15 cases of Dom Perignon on ice, the Pokemon Sticker book and as an added bonus you will receive the new Mariah Carey CD compilation CD absolutely free.
BILL: I didn't order any of that!
RACHEL: We will have to put you on hold.
(Hold music.)
RACHEL: OK to clarify we cancelled the Pokemon Sticker Book and have charged your Mastercard last 4 digits 5634 the sum non-refundable total of $3657.72 and you will receive the welcome kit and Delta sky miles. Jacko the Welcome Clown will pick you up in limo one the marquis in our Trident service in about 5 seconds. Thank you for choosing Triglon for all your entertainment and medicinal needs.
BILL: Wait don't hang up! What are you talking about. I meant to push 3, I mean 8! Argh!!!!!
(There is a knock at the door.)
LIMO DRIVER: Hello Mr. Howard. Ready to go to? The limos are out front and the bubbly is chillin'!
(BILL limps to the door and opens it. JACKO THE WELCOME CLOWN chases Bill and drags him out.)
BILL: GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF ME!!
LIMO: Damn for a rich dude, this place is busted.
(BLACKOUT)
This entry was posted by Matt, on
Friday, February 16, 2007.
You can leave your response.
February 17, 2007 7:20 PM
this is really funny