Thoughts at work

"If I become a millionaire, I would invest a lot of money into elementary school fitness programs, so when it comes time to leave my wife for a younger woman, I'll have a higher babe pool to choose from."

"I don't know if I actually like beer, or if I've just developed a tolerance for it. I found myself saying 'This is good beer' but I think what I mean is 'This is good FOR beer.' I'm pretty sure if an old man came up to me with a pale of 'good beer' and said 'Taste this anonymous liquid,' I would probably conclude that it was a backwashed form of some once-tasty beverage."

"Do people born at sea have trouble getting their landlegs?"

"I think a ketchup stain is way more punk than a mohawk."

"I wonder if I were dying of cancer and it was my last week on earth, would the Make-A-Wish Foundation be able to get The Iron Chef to cook me a meal before I go?"

"Everyone's always going 'Ohh poor native Americans!' But nobody mentions how Smoke Signals cause way more pollution than cellphones do."

"Is Milton Berle dead yet?"

"What if I just started working out in Starbucks? Jogging, jumping jacks, sit-ups, the whole deal? Ya think that would bother people?"

"Lunchtime."