Nice try, HR!

At work, they hand out a calendar every month with people’s birthdays on it. When they handed out this month’s calendar, I noticed something. In the box for March 20th, there is a listing for “Giovanni’s Birthday.” And, underneath “Giovanni’s Birthday,” reads “First day of spring!” with a little smiley face emoticon.

Look, I’m not trying to badmouth Giovanni here—from the few times I’ve spoken with him, I can tell he is a very nice individual. However, Giovanni’s birthday is not the first day of spring. The first day of spring is March 21st. March 20th is not. What March 20th is, is the last miserable day of winter.

I understand why they did this. “Well, we’re celebrating Giovanni’s birthday, let’s just celebrate the beginning of spring too. After all, it’s only a day away! WOOHOOOOO!” No, it is a world away. March 20th is the day that everyone cannot get through with soon enough. It is the last slushy annoying gasp of the Lion that is Winter, the one that happens just before the whinnies of our old friend Spring Lamb.

Sorry, Giovanni. Your birthday is not the Beatles. Your birthday is the sucky opening band for the Beatles, the one that everyone resents. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth, no matter how Ken the Human Resources director may try to sugarcoat it. If this fact upsets you, then maybe you should move to Florida, where no one cares what season it is anyway. Or you could kill yourself, maybe.

That seems a little rash though. Don't do that.

Sexual harassment

A friend of mine just got fired for calling his co-worker "cookie". The saddest part is, his co-worker really was a nestle tollhouse cookie. Ya can't be too careful these days...

HAVE YOU HEARD?!!!!

NO WAY!!!!


















IT'S TRUE!!!!



























YYYYYYAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!

FINALLY

A sandwich that breaks racial barriers.

On the subway this morning

I noticed this chubby Latino guy had on iPod headphones, one of the ones that comes with a remote.



He was also wearing a gold chain with a crucified Jesus dangling on the end of it:



Jesus and the iPod remote hung side by side, banging into each other again and again as the J train rumbled across the Williamsburg Bridge.

I don't believe that Jesus is alive or anything like that, but if he is, if he can see this, what must he be thinking.

Maybe something like "Ipod shmipod! I've outlasted slapbracelets and Furbies. That's all this iPod is. Another furby!"

Jesus, ipod remote, Jesus, ipod remote. WHO WILL ENDURE?!!!




I gotta open a window, it smells like batshit in here.

If there is a god I think he smiles not upon me.

I am sitting in my freezing cold room. There is no heat in this apartment. There has been no heat all week. Hopefully the heating company will come tomorrow to turn the heat on.

I bought some beer yesterday. I was going to put it in the refrigerator but then I thought, fuck it, and simply left it on the floor.

I just sipped the beer and somehow, it is now warm.

If there is a god I think he smiles not upon me.