Thoughts

"I've never puked from drinking, but I have puked several times from eating McDonald's."

"Why do people on Wheel of Fortune take so damn long to figure out the puzzles? Are they really that dumb or are they just nervous being in front of a camera?"

"Kermit THEE frawg here!"

"I don't think I like the taste of coffee, even though I buy one every morning. I think I just like holding it?"

"The Charles in Charge theme song: innocuous or erotic?"

"Why is eating the skin of a banana looked down upon by so many people?"

"I don't really think of Kermit the Frog as a frog. Just a green guy."

Late Night IM

Preface: This is a conversation between me and my friend Brian. It takes place after I have listened to an mp3 of a radio show he called in to. They asked him a couple of questions, like Where are you from, Who is the most famous person you know, and Rank Wes Anderson films from best to worst. He answered, respectively, New Paltz, Mike McCarthy (my old college roommate and his current bandmate), and "Royal Tenenbaums" etc etc. I had beef with all these responses.

SunshineDonut: you're not from new paltz!
SpooneyBadger: i am enough
SunshineDonut: ok
SunshineDonut: i'm more famous than mike@
SunshineDonut: !
SunshineDonut: wrong again, rushmore is best
SunshineDonut: man you are screwing UP
SunshineDonut: hahaha
SpooneyBadger: it's not a quiz, it's to get to know me.
...
SunshineDonut: oh
...
SunshineDonut: well
SunshineDonut: YOU DON'T KNOW YOURSELF
SunshineDonut: CUZ I AM FAMOUS
SpooneyBadger: i guess not
SunshineDonut: (ER THAN MIKE)
SpooneyBadger: I don't know that you're more famous than mike
SunshineDonut: I DO
SpooneyBadger: when I say your name, people don't know necessarily who you are
SpooneyBadger: FURTHERMORE
SunshineDonut: not in NEW PALTZ
SunshineDonut: POPULATION 5
SpooneyBadger: that time I was getting a blow job and the girl that was doing it was asking about YOU, she said your name was MIKE.
SpooneyBadger: so there.
SunshineDonut: i am really confused
and, what's the word, anti-interested
SpooneyBadger: I told you about this, didn't I?
SpooneyBadger: I could've sworn that I had.
SunshineDonut: no
2:15 AM
SpooneyBadger: but you're anti-interested
SunshineDonut: well i may have chiseled it out of my memory
SunshineDonut: FINE TeLL ME
SunshineDonut: BUT LEAVE OUT THE BLOWJOB PARTs
SunshineDonut: PLEASE
SpooneyBadger: in larry carr's class, there was a girl named _____, yes?
SpooneyBadger: in your class
SpooneyBadger: I wasn't in it with you
SunshineDonut: ummmmm yes
SunshineDonut: i think yes
SpooneyBadger: THAT girl, apparantly, had a thing for you
SpooneyBadger: because you are jewish
SunshineDonut: whaaaat
SpooneyBadger: and she knows that jewish guys have circumcized penises.
SpooneyBadger: she revealed this to me the night we met, in fact, during her job of blowing.
SpooneyBadger: me.
SpooneyBadger: mid blow.
SpooneyBadger: let me tell you - nothing causes an errection to fade faster thanhearing about that
SunshineDonut: so she mentioned ME while blowing YOU
SpooneyBadger: YES.
SunshineDonut: BUGT
SunshineDonut: called me mike
SpooneyBadger: she thought your name was MIKE.
SpooneyBadger: yes.
SunshineDonut: ok
SunshineDonut: still though
SunshineDonut: if there's a billboard in kazhakstan
SunshineDonut: of brad pitt
SunshineDonut: but people think his name is BUD pitt
SunshineDonut: cuz there's no kazakstani translation for brad or some such reason
SunshineDonut: does that make him any less famous?
SpooneyBadger: but she wasn't foreign
SpooneyBadger: just kinda dumb
SunshineDonut: WHATEVER
SpooneyBadger: and she thought you were mike.
SunshineDonut: the point is they have the name wrong
SpooneyBadger: Mike is more famouser.
SpooneyBadger: my friend MIKE
SunshineDonut: not mike mccarthy
SpooneyBadger: he's so famous, people think that you're him while they've got my penis in their mouths.
SunshineDonut: she still had my FACE in her MIND dammit
SpooneyBadger: may you never have a girl talk about one of your friends while she's sucking your dick
SunshineDonut: no but she was grafting MY face onto yours while blowing you, not mike's
SpooneyBadger: it's the opposite of arousing
SpooneyBadger: i just have to tell you, I'm laughing quite a bit over here
SpooneyBadger: I wonder if this is an ego boost bruise
SunshineDonut: what
SpooneyBadger: boost OR bruise
2:20 AM
SunshineDonut: oh
SunshineDonut: i dunno
SunshineDonut: hey can i post this on the blog
SpooneyBadger: ummmm
SpooneyBadger: hmmmm.
SpooneyBadger: yes.
SpooneyBadger: maybe
SpooneyBadger: don't use her name
...
SunshineDonut: ok

SHOULD I PUT "MASTURBATING" ON MY TO-DO LIST?

I really don't need to. But I think I will anyway, because when the day is done, it's the one thing I'm 100% sure I'll be able to cross off.

THE COUPLE THAT SHOULD GET DIVORCED BUT INSTEAD KEEPS HAVING CHILDREN

WRITTEN FOR SATURDAY NIGHT REWRITTEN, NOVEMBER 20TH, 2005

INT - kitchen. 2 kids sitting at the table. Husband and wife are standing and fight.

Wife: I THOUGHT I KNEW THE MEANING OF THE WORD “VOID.” THEN I MET YOU.

Husband: YOUR VARICOSE VEINS MAKE ME WANT TO CASTRATE MYSELF WITH A BUTTERKNIFE.

Wife: A PART OF ME DIES EACH TIME I HEAR YOUR VOICE.

Husband: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GIRL I MARRIED? OH YEAH, SHE NEVER EXISTED YOU DECEPTIVE CUNT.

Kids: Mom, daddy, stop fighting!

Husband: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!!

Wife: DON’T YOU TALK TO THEM LIKE THAT. THAT’S IT, I AM LEAVING.

Husband: FINALLY.

Wife: Uh oh.

Husband: What?

Wife: My water broke.

(Baby drops out.)

Husband: Shit. Fine, I’ll go buy another crib.

CUE THEME SONG:

It’s the couple that should get divorced but instead keeps having children!
It’s the couple that should get divorced but instead keeps having children!
Every time they’re about to split, out pops another kid.
It’s the couple that should get divorced but instead keeps having children! (HONK)

(Father is trying to put his 6 kids—Kevin, Mary, Billy, Sarah, David, and Sue—to sleep. They are all screaming.)

Sarah: Daddy, read us a story!

Husband: No! Go to sleep!

David: Daddy my diaper’s full!

Sarah: Daddy, I have my period!

Sue: Daddy, my diaper’s full AND I have my period!

(Billy bawls)

Husband: All of you, just SHUT UP! (slams the door) Gloria! Go read the kids a story!

Wife: But you said you would! I just gave birth to quintuplets this afternoon, remember?!

Husband: MORE KIDS?! Are you cheating on me, you fucking whore?!

WIFE: OF COURSE NOT, YOU DICK. My labia is so torn and swollen that sex isn’t worth the effort. Besides, you’re the one who comes 3am reeking of cheap perfume!

Husband: She loves me in a way you never could!

Wife: (stands up) THEN I HOPE YOU AND SHE ARE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER. BECAUSE I AM LEAVING.

(A baby is heard crying.)

Husband: Wait, where’s that crying coming from?

(Pause.)

Wife: I think it’s coming from my womb!

(Baby falls out.)

Husband: I don’t understand. It seems you have a baby everytime one of us says the words “I am leaving.”

(Baby falls out.)

Wife: I am leaving. (Another baby falls out.)

Husband: I am leaving. (A book falls out.)

Wife: Hey, it’s my copy of the DaVinci code! I've been looking all over for this!

Husband: (To audience) WELL WHADDAYA KNOW?!

CUE THEME SONG:

IT”S THE COUPLE THAT SHOULD GET DIVORCED BUT INSTEAD KEEPS HAVING CHILDREN.

IT”S THE COUPLE THAT SHOULD GET DIVORCED BUT INSTEAD KEEPS HAVING CHILDREN.

Tomato, tomah-toh! Let’s call the whole thing off!

(HONK)

(Blackout.)

Mattkoff.com Wrapping Paper!

Hi everyone, it's the holidays again and you know what THAT means! Eggnogeggnogeggnog!!!! Hahahaha, ROTFLMAO! Just kidding, it means PRESENTS. The time to show that special someone that you truly care about them by bestowing an earthly object at the alter of his or her fancy! That's why Mattkoff.com is teaming up with SweetMilfs.com to bring you a new line of designer wrapping paper that we'll be showcasing here on the site, so stay tuned!

1. "Plump Puss Parade"

This is one of my favorites. The background depicts a metallic-white gradient sky, while in the foreground perfectly-shaped snowflakes and plump pusses fall from the sky. If this doesn't say "Happy Holidays, Pastor Paul" I don't know what does.

AVIAN the movie

A movie preview written for Saturday Night Rewritten on November 7th.

AVIAN
By Matt Koff

(Stage is dark. Inspiring trailer music plays.)

ANNCR: From Academy Award-winning director Ron Howard comes the
inspiring true story of a bird flu that touched millions…Starring
Naomi Watts as "Mama Cluckcluck," and Bill Pullman as "Pops," and
re-introducing Haley Joel Osmond as Avian, the little bird flu who
doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit."

(LIGHTS UP)

PAPA: Son, everyone knows there'll never been a "bird flu outbreak"
in South Korea! That's crazy talk!

AVIAN: I'LL SHOW YOU, PAPA! I'M GONNA BE THE BIGGEST, MEANEST SOUTH
KOREAN BIRD FLU THERE EVER WAS!

MAMA: NO, AVIAN, COME BACK! B-GAWK!

(LIGHTS DOWN)

ANNCR: … Al Pacino as the West Nile Virus…

(LIGHTS UP)

PACINO: YOU THINK YOU'RE HOT STUFF CUZ YOU KILLED A COUPLE OF
ROOSTERS BUZZ BUZZ? STICK WITH ME AND I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO TURN THIS
TOWN UPSIDE DOWN. HOO-HA!

(LIGHTS DOWN)

ANNCR: Morgan Freeman as "Anonymous Family Doctor"

(LIGHTS UP)

Morgan Freeman: (taking off glasses as he stares into the distance)
Well… I'll… be… damned.

(LIGHTS DOWN)

(LIGHTS UP on Avian on the phone, talking to Papa)

ANNCR: Papa! I just got to China yesterday and I already killed eighty people!

PAPA: (on the phone) YOU'RE DOING IT, AVIAN, YOU'RE REALLY DOING IT!

MAMA: SON, MAKE SURE YOU WEAR A JACKET, B-GAWK.

ANNCR: And Robert Duvall as Quarantined Chicken # 73…

(DUVALL crawls onto stage)

DUVALL: Boy, you may have killed me and my chicken family, but dammit if you ain't got the most spunk I've ever seen in an East-Asian multinucleaic second-strand infection.

(DUVALL dies, Morgan Freeman comes out again)

Morgan Freeman: Damn.

(LIGHTS DOWN, music swells, SUPERIMPOSED TITLES)

Anncr VO: Sometimes...

All it takes…

Is a Single Germ…

To Start a Plague…

Wait…

Come to think of it…

It always takes a single germ…

To do that.

My bad.

Avian.

Coming Soon…

RATED R!!!!!

(END)

BJ AND ROCKBONE AT DA BEACH

Rockbone: Yo BJ

BJ: Wuttup.

Rockbone: U dun wit dat shit yet.

BJ: I toldjoo, I ain't lifted yet. when I'm lifted I'll give it back.

Rockbone: But U been puffin' 4 an hour and U ain't lifted yet.

BJ: Yo, gimme space.

(30 seconds pass.)

Rockbone: BJ...

BJ: (cough) Yeah Bone.

Rockbone: Wouldjoo say that I am a decent human being?

BJ: You mean, decent like... uh... like... what?

Rockbone: Like at my funeral, do you tink dat people will cry?

BJ: Well ya mutha and fatha will, dat's for sure. You're their only boy.

Rockbone: Mutha and fatha? They'll be dead!

BJ: Who knows. The amount of drugs you're doin', you'll be lucky to see next Christmas.

Rockbone: J, what the fuck a you TAWKIN' about? You do way more drugs than I do.

BJ: Yeah but I can handle it. You gotta turn your life around.

Rockbone: Yo, I don't have to take dis shit! I got "Hearts of Men" tattooed on my chest, surrounded by doves on either side.

BJ: Dat's true. (Cough). I got my eahs pierced though.

Rockbone: Two- shay.

MATT KOFF STARTS READING LORD OF THE RINGS

After several years of procrastination, Matt has embarked upon reading the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy.



The importance of this event is twofold because Matt has refused to watch the Lord of the Rings film series until he has read the books, which many friends deem "stupid," "retarded," and "fucking pointless (just see the movies already!)" Nonetheless, Matt has held steadfast to do things in the order he wants to.

Part of the incentive comes from colleague Dave McKeel who says he'll watch the film series with Koff once he's finished reading the books.

More updates as they occur.

Who would have thought?

I went to Pleasantville today to pay a parking ticket, and who would have thought?  It was actually really pleasant.  I mean every aspect of the whole experience (save for paying a sorely needed $15) was really nice and enjoyable.  I’ve paid parking tickets before and usually there’s a glass window that the money has to be slipped through.  And usually it’s to some frozen faced old hag.  Here, I stepped into a nicely lit office, with Werther’s Originals on the oak-finished counter (I took one, guilty!) and a very warm, smiling woman behind it.  Sure, she was still old, but she could have easily been the aunt or grandmother I never had.  Even the pudgy meter maids sitting off to the side were smiling, and we all know what a bitter bunch they can be. We all exchanged pleasantries and then I told her I was there to pay a ticket.  

“Aww, that’s a shame,” she said.  
“Yeah, I know,” I said.

As I paid the fine, I noticed that the temperature of the office was just right, and detected just the faintest scent of pine in the air.  Before I left, I took another Werther’s.  I walked out thinking, “Ahh, that was pleasant!”