What We Google When We Google Matt Koff, Episode 3

Props to Craig Hubbard, for googling Matt Koff!

Hot Dogs

Also from today's Saturday Night Rewritten:


Announcer: And now, a message from Irving J. Furt, proprieter and
owner of Ballpark Frankfurters.

(Lights up on old timey CEO at desk, smoking cigar.)

IJF: Hello there. Nowadays you hear a lot of promises and guarantees
from companies as to the quality of their hot dogs ingredients.
People say things like "Approved by a Higher Authority," "100% Beef,"
and "Absolutely No Human Contents in These Hot Dogs." But you barely have
to spend 2 minutes on the internet to find out the harsh, inevitable
truth. That's why I, Irving J. Furt, am going to say it straight
out. Yes, of COURSE we use humans in our hot dogs. BUT, that being said,
I make this promise to you. We at Ballpark use only the
finest quality of human in our franks. That's right, no
college dropouts or child molestors here! Nuns, doctors, and diplomats
only! All of the lips, tongues, and taints that go into our
product have had at least a B-plus average in high school, and died
from natural and/or honorable deaths! And that's…(takes a bite) a
Ballpark promise!

Announcer: Ballpark hot dogs—human goodness never tasted so good!

IJF: Mmm, tastes like 9/11 firefighter!

(Blackout.)

Governor Schwarzenegger Vs. Violent Videogames

The following is a sketch that I wrote today for Saturday Night Rewritten. I'd like to think it educates as well as entertains.

"Governor Schwarzenegger Vs. Violent Videogames"

(Family--Mom, Dad, and young daughter Mary-- sitat dinner table. Johnny, the teenage son, is in the living room playing video games.)

Mom: Johnny, your dinner's getting cold.
Dad: get your butt over to this table, young man!
Johnny: Hold on, mom and dad! I just got to finish firebombing this gang
of homeless people!
Mom: Henry, sometimes I worry that those video games that Johnny
plays are having a bad influence on him.
Johnny: Yeah, take that, you fucking lowlife deadbeats! Yeah! Yeah!
Dad: It's true, Marie. I wish one of the governors would stand up
and do something about this proliferation of video game violence!
(Governor Schwarzenegger bursts in breaking the door down, and walks
in robotically.)
Governor: AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.
Mary: Gov. Schwarzenegger, what are you doing here?
Gov: I WAS STROLLING THROUGH THIS LOVELY CALIFORNIAN NEIGHBORHOOD STREET WHEN I DETECTED THE ARTIFICIAL YELPS AND SUBWOOFER GUNSHOTS THAT CAN ONLY BE INTERPRETED AS VIDEOGAME VIOLENCE. NOW PLEASE, WHERE ARE THE GAMES? I MUST HAVE ALL OF THEM! AHHHH!
Dad: Well, our son Johnny is playing Bum Blasters 3 on Playstation 2,
if that's what you mean.
Gov: THAT MUST BE IT.
(Gov. Schwarzenegger goes over to their daughter Mary and lifts her.)
Gov: AHHH! JOHNNY! YOU MUST STOP PLAYING THOSE AWFUL GAMES! GIVE THEM TO ME NOW!
Mom: Oh god!
Dad: No, Governor, that's our daughter Mary!
Mom: Put her down, please!
Gov: OH, SORRY. THE GOVERNOR OFTEN HAS TROUBLE WITH YOUTH GENDER DIFFERENTIATION.
(Governor throws Mary aside and goes to Johnny)
Gov: JOHNNY, GIVE ME THE BUM BLASTERS.
Johnny: But Governor Schwarzenegger, I saved up all summer just to
buy that game!
Gov: DO NOT DESPAIR, MORTAL. UNDER MARTIAL LAW YOU ARE ENTITLED TO A NONVIOLENT REPLACEMENT GAME OF EQUAL OR LESSER VALUE.
(Governor opens a suitcase of video games)
Gov: MY PERSONAL FAVORITE IS Q-BERT.
Johnny: Those games aren't even PS2 compatible! Mom, Dad, tell this
cyborg freak to give me back my game.
Gov: I AM NOT CYBORG, I AM HUMAN, OKAY!
Dad: Mr. Schwarzenegger, we appreciate the effort, but Johnny did
work really hard to get that game.
Gov: AHHHHHHHHH!! NOTHING INFURIATES THE GOVERNOR MORE THAN SLOPPY PARENTING!!!
(Governor picks up girl's teddy bear)
Gov: DON'T YOU SEE THAT YOU ARE DESENSITIZING YOUR CHILDREN BY CONDONING THIS VIDEO GAME VIOLENCE?
Mary: That's not a video game, that's my teddy bear! Let it go!
Gov: SILENCE, DISSENTER!
(Governor gives daughter death grip, she dies)
Mother: Noooo!
Dad: You just killed our daughter!
Gov: YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD CHILDREN IN THE FIRST PLACE, OKAY!
(Schwarzenegger bangs parents' heads together.)
Johnny: Mom, dad, Mary! What have you done?
Gov: I HAVE KILLED YOUR FAMILY. HOPEFULLY FROM NOW ON YOU WILL REALIZE THAT VIOLENCE IS NO JOKE.

(The "The More You Know" Jingle sounds)

Announcer (also Austrian): THE CALIFORNIA STATE GOVERNMENT--HELPING ONE FAMILY AT A TIME, WITH OUR BARE HANDS.
Gov: (walking toward audience with hands out) GIVE ME THE GAMES!!!

(Blackout.)