The James Earl Jones Fanclub--by Jordan Cooper, Dave Fox, James Jajac, and Matt Koff

The 3 members sitting in an elegant private clubhouse.  Dave’s seat is in the middle.  The members all speak in deep, JEJ-style baritone.

                         DAVE
               Let the 52nd annual meeting of the James
               Earl Jones fan club come to order.

                         JAMES
               First order of business.  Have there been
               any James Earl Jones sightings as of late?

                         TIM
               I thought I saw him on the street the other day,                              but it was a potato.

                         JAMES
               Terrible news.

                         DAVE
               Let’s move on.  Movie reviews.  What’s good?

                         JAMES
               I saw Resident Evil 2 : Apocalypse.  

                         DAVE
               Your thoughts.

                         JAMES
               Flimsy plot, wishy-washy acting,
               NOT ENOUGH JAMES EARL JONES.

                         DAVE
               Tragic.

                         TIM
                    (gravely)
               I was planning on seeing that but now I’m
               not so sure.

                         JAMES
               Hey…since talking like this, has anyone else
               been…

                         DAVE
               YES WE ARE ALL PAINFULLY CONSTIPATED

                         JAMES
               Excellent.

The doorbell rings—also in JEJ baritone.

                         DAVE
               Enter.

                         MATT
                    (normal/higher voice)
               Hey guys…Sorry I’m late.

                         JAMES
               James Earl Jones does not smile on tardiness.

                         TIM
               WHO IS THIS PERSON?

                         DAVE
               GENTLEMEN, REGAIN COMPOSURE.

The club regains composure.
                         DAVE (cont’d)
               This fellow wishes to join the ranks of the
               J.E.J. elite.

                         JAMES
               OOOH, CANDY CANES.

                         DAVE
                    (cont’d)
               Let us prepare for the interview.

                         MATT
               Great great, I’m really excited!

                         TIM
               Who is your favorite actor?

                         MATT
Oh…that’s a toughie.  Hmm, there’s so much good talent out there!

                         JAMES
               THERE IS ONLY ONE.  THE CORRECT
               ANSWER IS JAMES EARL JONES.

                         MATT
               Oh… yeah!  Well, that goes without saying!

                         DAVE
               YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY IT.

                         JAMES
               ALWAYS! ALWAYS! ALWAYS!

                         TIM
LET US DELIBERATE AMONG OURSELVES.  PLEASE TURN AROUND

Matt turns around.

                         DAVE     
               I THINK WE SHOULD LET HIM IN.

                         JAMES
               I THINK WE SHOULD NOT LET HIM IN.

                         TIM
               THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO SOLVE THIS.

                    DAVE,TIM,JAMES
               Rock, paper, JAMES EARL JONES.

                         DAVE
               I WIN, JAMES BEATS ROCK.

                         JAMES
               It is always a privilege to lose to James Earl Jones.

                         DAVE
               Congratulations Matthew.  Today is the first
               day of your new life.   A better life.  A James
               Earl Jones-kinda life.

                         MATT
               WOW!  ALL I CAN SAY IS…WOW!

                         DAVE
               There is just one more thing.

The members surround Matt who is slightly nervous.

                         MATT
               Auuuughhh (voice goes from high to low)
               AuugghHHEEEEEY!  WELCOME TO VERIZON!

                         DAVE
               YOU’RE ONE OF US NOW.

                         TIM
               NOW, LET US DO THE JAMES EARL JONES.

Everyone dances to the song “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge.  Blackout.

The traffic report sketch - SNR 8/14/05

Traffic report

By Matt koff

(Split screen, radio station and man in his car.)

Tom: Remember, if you’re stuck in traffic, call 1-800-Traffic880 to report it.  I’m Tom Kaminsky for WCBS Newsradio 880.  And now, here’s Megan Woodhead with the weather.

(Ring ring)

Tom: WCBS Traffic?

Joe: Hello, Tom Kaminsky!  Oh thank god!  There’s a horrible traffic jam on the Upper East Side.  It’s horrible!  Oh god it’s just horrible!  

Tom:  All right, sir.  Please, calm down. We’re sending our chopper over there immediately. How long have you been in traffic, sir?

Joe: 15 hours.

Tom:  15 hours?

Joe:  Yes, I told you, it’s bad.  It’s a traffic catastrophe!

Tom:  Could you describe the scene?

Joe:  Sure.  It look like someone has put a Safeway Supermarket in the middle of the road, and now all 30 lanes are backed up.

Tom:  Wait a minute… are you sure you’re not in a parking lot?

Joe:  No, Tom, this is a giant traffic jam.  This is one for the ages. Some people are even giving up.  They’re turning off their engines and simply going into the supermarket.  You have to see this to believe it!

Tom:  Sir, you’re in a parking lot.

Joe:  Parking lot?  (aside)  Excuse me, is this a parking lot?  (into phone)  Oh Tom, apparently you’re right. This is a parking lot.  My mistake.

(A beat, Tom hangs up.)

(Phone rings.)

Joe:  Tom?  Joe again.  Just calling in with an update.  I’m inside the Safeway on the “6 items or less” express checkout line trying to buy some Frosted Flakes. Some woman is trying to buy twelve Dannon yogurts, arguing that it only counts as one item.  It looks like no one’s going anywhere for a long long time.  I’m not sure how you’re gonna fit the chopper in here but I’d send it over here post-haste.  Maybe if you have one of those rope-ladders, you can drop it down and get a look at this.  You guys have rope ladders over there?  Like on the… uh… the A-team?

Tom:  What?!  No! we don’t have rope ladders like on the A-team!  Look, sir, please.  This line is for traffic reports only.

(Tom hangs up, Phone rings)

Joe:  Hey Tom-man, this is Joe.  Things have just gone from bad to worse.  I just got back to my house. I’m sitting in my kitchen eating the Frosted Flakes, and it looks like I’m not going anywhere.  And chances are I won’t be moving for at least the rest of the day.

Tom:  (shaking with anger)  DON’T EVER CALL HERE AGAIN!  PLEASE!  I SHOULD HAVE WORKED AT MY FATHER’S STORE!

(Tom hangs up, the phone rings)

Joe: I just had the worst traffic nightmare—

(Tom hangs up, phone rings.  He picks it up while weeping silently.)

Joe:  Hey Tom, this is Joe.  Look, you don’t have to say anything.  I know you’re pretty pissed right now, and I know we’ve only known each other a few minutes, but I just wanted to let you know that so far, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had in my life.

(Awkward beat.  Blackout.)

Colon Cleanse, by Matt Koff and Tim Deery

Open on a Doctor's Office
RALPH
Yeah I've been exercising, I've been doing everything you told me to, but I still can't get down to 200.
DOC
Well have you ever tried cleaning your colon?
RALPH
How would I do that?
DOC
Well you have to drink this rough, sandlike substance called colon cleanse.
RALPH
Well I don't know that stuff looks pretty nasty.
DOC
Well think it over, I'm gonna go fix myself a Jack & Coke.
Doc leaves, Ralph starts talking to himself.
RALPH
Hmmm, colon cleanse... Maybe I don't really need to get down under 200 afterall.  
Enter Ghost of John Wayne.
JW
Howdy partner.
RALPH
Who are you?
JW
I'm the ghost of John Wayne.
RALPH
Oh my God, what are you doing here?  Shouldn't you be in Heaven?
JW
Well actually, I should be in Hell... Because that's where I went when I died.
RALPH
What?  Really?  But you were a great man.
JW
That may be true, but the fact of the matter is - I never went to get my colon cleansed and when I died I had forty lbs of compacted feces in my body.  And when it was time to rise to Heaven, I couldn't.  I could only sink on down to Great Below.  
RALPH
Noooo!
JW
I know, you thinkin "this guy is full of crap" - well pardner, you don't know how right you are.
RALPH
But you always win.  You're the Duke.  
        
JW
Lemme tell ya, I'd rather be a sanitary vagabond then dirty Duke filled with duty.  I'm not kiddin it's a regular fire hazard down there, kid.  
RALPH
Ughhh, all right I get it...

JW
It's really pretty awful.
RALPH
Ok ok I get it.
JW
It's profoundly gross.
RALPH
All right!  But this stuff looks like poison.
JW
Sometimes a man's gotta do (ERM) what a man's gotta do.
RALPH
Well thanks for the pep talk.
JW
Actually I gotta get going anyway.  (with each step) Oww! my colon.  Oww! my colon.  Oww! my colon.  
John Wayne exits.  There is a pause.  And then John Wayne Bobbit enters.
JWB
Howdy pardner.
RALPH
Who are you?
JWB
I'm the ghost of John Wayne Bobbit.
RALPH
But you're not even dead!?
JWB
I know, but I slipped out of my body just to tell you how important it is to clean your colon.
JWB holds up a bag with his penis in it.
JWB (cont'd)
Look what happened to me.
RALPH
Oh my god!
JWB
Pretty horrific, ain't it? OW! My dick.  OW!  My dick.  OW! My dick.
JWB exits.  Enter Priest.
RALPH
Father Monahan!
FATHER MONAHAN
Helloooo my child!
RALPH
Wow, you died five years ago!  I need your help! Everyone's telling me to clean my colon... But... I'm scared.  Tell me, what's it like in Heaven?
FATHER MONAHAN
I...I don't know.
RALPH
You didn't get in?!
FATHER MONAHAN
No my child!
RALPH
Because of your dirty colon?
FATHER MONAHAN
No, it's because I was gay... But I'm sure my dirty colon didn't help matters either!  Food for thought, my child.

Father exits.  
RALPH
Wait!
                    FATHER MONAH
Ow!  I’m gay.  Ow! I’m gay. Ow! I’m gay.
DOC enters again.
DOC
Well, have you made a decision?
RALPH
Well, let's just say a couple of friends talked me into it.
John Wayne and Father laugh backstage.
DOC
Wise choice.
Doc exits.  Samuel L. Jackson enters.
RALPH
The ghost of Samuel L. Jackson, what are you doing here?
SJ
Shit I ain't no ghost mutha fucka.  I'm just here for a popsickle stick (puts one in his mouth and leaves.)
END SCENE

a short sketch from a while ago

INT. NIGHTTIME--DAN'S KITCHEN
Dan and Pete, two guy's guys, sit at the kitchen table.  Dan is giving Pete a manicure.
DAN
And then she says to me, "If you don't give me those keys right now, the only thing YOU'LL be pooping out tomorra is ketchup bottles!"
PETE
Ahahahaha!  Ahahaha!  She did not say that!
DAN
That's what she said!
PETE
She did not!
DAN
She did!  Gospel truth, Buddy!  Gospel truth.
Both laugh hysterically.  Pete sips a can of beer.
DAN (cont'd)
Ahhh, I love giving manicures.
PETE
Well I love getting manicures!
DAN
Well whatdaya know!  It looks we have ourselves a beautiful set-up right here!
PETE
(holds up hands) Literally!
Both characters laugh hysterically.
DAN
Hey pal, don't get too comfortable over there.  We switch after I'm done filing this cuticle.
PETE
Okay, okay, a deal's a deal.  Hey, I forgot to tell you, the strangest thing happened as I was leaving my house before.
DAN
Oh yeah?
PETE
Yeah!  The old lady asked me where I was going.  I says "I'm going over to my buddy Dan's."  She says, "What?  To play poker?" I says, "No, I'm gettin' my nails done."  And you wouldn't believe it, she starts rollin' on the floor, practically laughin' her little tush off!
DAN
Fancy that!  Did you tell her you weren't joking?
PETE
Nah, I just left.
DAN
Believe me, I know how you feel.  All the women at work, they say, "Hey Dan, how do you get your nails to look that nice!"  I tell my buddy Pete does a bang-up job and if you really want I could give you his number and he could help you out too--"  And as soon as they hear that, they lose interest for some reason.  It's like it's a turnoff just because I've found an enjoyable way to save money on manicures.
PETE
Probably just jealous.
DAN
Yeah, probably.  Okay, done.  Come on, your turn.
PETE
Aww, do I have to?
DAN
A deal's a deal, Chief.  Just like you said.
PETE
Hehehe, all right.

P U!

Currently I’m working a temp-to-perm job at a healthcare company now.  I work in a cubicle with a very nice African American woman named Tanya.  This job has inspired me to work hard to someday attain an office of my own.  Let me tell you why.

One of the perks of this job is free soda.  So now, for better or worse, I am drinking more soda than I ever have in my life.  I don’t even like soda that much, but it’s free so I’m obliged.  As a result, I’m filled with more gas than the bottom of the Caspian sea.  But now the question is, when do I fart?  The bathroom is one floor up.  I can’t keep walking upstairs every five seconds, I’d never get any work done!  Lately I’ve been trying to let it out in little increments that hopefully Tanya doesn’t hear.  But even if she does, who cares?  She’s not my supervisor.

I hope I get this job.  I’ll know in two weeks.  If I don’t get it, I’m going to let out the biggest fart of my life.  It’ll be so big I won’t even have to use to the elevator to exit the building, because I will have blasted myself out the window.

uh

So I just followed up on a possible production assistant position. I left a message on the producer's voicemail. I spoke quickly, I don't remember what I said exactly. My phone number, I would really like to work for you. Pretty good, except for the sign-off:

"Have a good weekend!"

Yeah. It's Tuesday evening. I guess it indicates a bad work ethic if one considers Tuesday Night to be the official beginning of the weekend. What I hope he'll take away from the message is that, even though it's Tuesday, I'm so organized and together that I actually possessed the forethought to wish him a good weekend way before said weekend has even approached. If I can take deal with the "have a good weekend" issue before it arises, one can only imagine the multitude of problems I'll be able to deal with once I set foot on the set.

Yeah, I did good.