CHIVALRY ON A CROWDED SUBWAY

I am on a Queens-bound E train last Monday, going home after work. My feet are tired because my job requires that I stand outside a comedy club, trying to bring in tourists and disinterested New Yorkers. The train stops at 5th Avenue and a bunch of people enter. They have to stand because the rest of us are taking up the seats. I see that, in front of me, one of the standing passengers is an older woman carrying heavy bags. In an effort to do a good deed, I get up and stand near a pole. It made me feel like a decent citizen. That is, until some guy in sunglasses licks his lips and slides into the seat before the woman ever has a chance.

Well, I thought, I tried.

Right?

"facts"

2 things i can't fucking believe. I'M SORRY, THEY HAVE BEEN PASSED OFF AS TRUTH BUT I SAY, NO.

#1 is from the daily "Animal Report" on the front page of the amNew York newspaper:

"LIONS TO THE RESCUE

Police say three lions rescued a 12-year-old girl kidnapped by men who want to force her into marriage, chasing off her abductors and guarding her until police and relatives tracked her down in a remote corner of Ethiopia."

My question is, HOW DO THE LIONS KNOW WHO THE GOOD GUYS ARE? Anytime I try to hug my roommate's cat, it bites me. I should get a pet lion. Not only will it be more sensitive to my feelings but it will also protect me from all those men who are trying to force me into marriage.

#2 is from the official twinkie website, www.twinkies.com:

Twinkies have a shelf life of 14 days.

Repeat:

Twinkies have a shelf life of 14 days.



Twinkies have a shelf life of 14 days.
Twinkies have a shelf life of 14 days.
Twinkies have a shelf life of 14 days.
Twinkies have a shelf life of 14 days.
Twinkies have a shelf life of 14 days.
Twinkies have a shelf life of 14 days.
Twinkies have a shelf life of 14 days.

I hope that they are talking about the kind of day that was mentioned in Inherit the Wind. Like the kind of day that lasts billions and billions of years, the time it probably took for the human species to develop into the complex creatures they are today...

because Twinkies do NOT last just 14 days.

interview with local cat

Bob Castleman: Hi, welcome back. I'm here talking one on one with Mipsy the Cat, a local neighborhood feline, who since being shaved by his owners last month, has earned a reputation in the community for being distant and unfriendly. Adolescents in the nearby youth center unanimously describe Mipsy as "a bitch." Now, Mipsy, you are neither a female nor a canine. How do you feel about these allegations?

Mipsy: You know what? Fuck these people. People are the ones that did this to me!

BC: Mipsy, please, the language. We're on live television!

M: When you get your mid-region and your dignity completely stripped like this, then come talk to me.

BC: So it's safe to say you are less than pleased with your appearance?

M: Yeah Bob, a tad! I don't know why but people have this sick puss n' boots fantasy and I don't know where it comes from. Puss? Boots? I don't see the correlation, I really don't.

BC: And this notion of a "puss n boots fantasy" disturbs you?

M: To no end, Bob. To no end.

BC: I see. Well, if I may be so bold, since you now for the time being are a pussnboots, why not try being a friendly one? You know, make the most of an unfortunate situation.

M: Hey Bob, I have an idea. Why don't I rip off all the skin between your head and your shins and see how chipper you're feeling?

BC: Geez, the locals are right. If anything, you're not a pussnboots. You're a GRUMP in boots! (Bob laughs.)

M: Fuck you, Bob. Fuck you.

BC: Mipsy, please! This is Bob Castleman reporting live.