THE COUPLE THAT SHOULD GET DIVORCED BUT INSTEAD KEEPS HAVING CHILDREN
WRITTEN FOR SATURDAY NIGHT REWRITTEN, NOVEMBER 20TH, 2005
INT - kitchen. 2 kids sitting at the table. Husband and wife are standing and fight.
Wife: I THOUGHT I KNEW THE MEANING OF THE WORD “VOID.” THEN I MET YOU.
Husband: YOUR VARICOSE VEINS MAKE ME WANT TO CASTRATE MYSELF WITH A BUTTERKNIFE.
Wife: A PART OF ME DIES EACH TIME I HEAR YOUR VOICE.
Husband: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GIRL I MARRIED? OH YEAH, SHE NEVER EXISTED YOU DECEPTIVE CUNT.
Kids: Mom, daddy, stop fighting!
Husband: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!!
Wife: DON’T YOU TALK TO THEM LIKE THAT. THAT’S IT, I AM LEAVING.
Husband: FINALLY.
Wife: Uh oh.
Husband: What?
Wife: My water broke.
(Baby drops out.)
Husband: Shit. Fine, I’ll go buy another crib.
CUE THEME SONG:
It’s the couple that should get divorced but instead keeps having children!
It’s the couple that should get divorced but instead keeps having children!
Every time they’re about to split, out pops another kid.
It’s the couple that should get divorced but instead keeps having children! (HONK)
(Father is trying to put his 6 kids—Kevin, Mary, Billy, Sarah, David, and Sue—to sleep. They are all screaming.)
Sarah: Daddy, read us a story!
Husband: No! Go to sleep!
David: Daddy my diaper’s full!
Sarah: Daddy, I have my period!
Sue: Daddy, my diaper’s full AND I have my period!
(Billy bawls)
Husband: All of you, just SHUT UP! (slams the door) Gloria! Go read the kids a story!
Wife: But you said you would! I just gave birth to quintuplets this afternoon, remember?!
Husband: MORE KIDS?! Are you cheating on me, you fucking whore?!
WIFE: OF COURSE NOT, YOU DICK. My labia is so torn and swollen that sex isn’t worth the effort. Besides, you’re the one who comes 3am reeking of cheap perfume!
Husband: She loves me in a way you never could!
Wife: (stands up) THEN I HOPE YOU AND SHE ARE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER. BECAUSE I AM LEAVING.
(A baby is heard crying.)
Husband: Wait, where’s that crying coming from?
(Pause.)
Wife: I think it’s coming from my womb!
(Baby falls out.)
Husband: I don’t understand. It seems you have a baby everytime one of us says the words “I am leaving.”
(Baby falls out.)
Wife: I am leaving. (Another baby falls out.)
Husband: I am leaving. (A book falls out.)
Wife: Hey, it’s my copy of the DaVinci code! I've been looking all over for this!
Husband: (To audience) WELL WHADDAYA KNOW?!
CUE THEME SONG:
IT”S THE COUPLE THAT SHOULD GET DIVORCED BUT INSTEAD KEEPS HAVING CHILDREN.
IT”S THE COUPLE THAT SHOULD GET DIVORCED BUT INSTEAD KEEPS HAVING CHILDREN.
Tomato, tomah-toh! Let’s call the whole thing off!
(HONK)
(Blackout.)
INT - kitchen. 2 kids sitting at the table. Husband and wife are standing and fight.
Wife: I THOUGHT I KNEW THE MEANING OF THE WORD “VOID.” THEN I MET YOU.
Husband: YOUR VARICOSE VEINS MAKE ME WANT TO CASTRATE MYSELF WITH A BUTTERKNIFE.
Wife: A PART OF ME DIES EACH TIME I HEAR YOUR VOICE.
Husband: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GIRL I MARRIED? OH YEAH, SHE NEVER EXISTED YOU DECEPTIVE CUNT.
Kids: Mom, daddy, stop fighting!
Husband: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!!
Wife: DON’T YOU TALK TO THEM LIKE THAT. THAT’S IT, I AM LEAVING.
Husband: FINALLY.
Wife: Uh oh.
Husband: What?
Wife: My water broke.
(Baby drops out.)
Husband: Shit. Fine, I’ll go buy another crib.
CUE THEME SONG:
It’s the couple that should get divorced but instead keeps having children!
It’s the couple that should get divorced but instead keeps having children!
Every time they’re about to split, out pops another kid.
It’s the couple that should get divorced but instead keeps having children! (HONK)
(Father is trying to put his 6 kids—Kevin, Mary, Billy, Sarah, David, and Sue—to sleep. They are all screaming.)
Sarah: Daddy, read us a story!
Husband: No! Go to sleep!
David: Daddy my diaper’s full!
Sarah: Daddy, I have my period!
Sue: Daddy, my diaper’s full AND I have my period!
(Billy bawls)
Husband: All of you, just SHUT UP! (slams the door) Gloria! Go read the kids a story!
Wife: But you said you would! I just gave birth to quintuplets this afternoon, remember?!
Husband: MORE KIDS?! Are you cheating on me, you fucking whore?!
WIFE: OF COURSE NOT, YOU DICK. My labia is so torn and swollen that sex isn’t worth the effort. Besides, you’re the one who comes 3am reeking of cheap perfume!
Husband: She loves me in a way you never could!
Wife: (stands up) THEN I HOPE YOU AND SHE ARE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER. BECAUSE I AM LEAVING.
(A baby is heard crying.)
Husband: Wait, where’s that crying coming from?
(Pause.)
Wife: I think it’s coming from my womb!
(Baby falls out.)
Husband: I don’t understand. It seems you have a baby everytime one of us says the words “I am leaving.”
(Baby falls out.)
Wife: I am leaving. (Another baby falls out.)
Husband: I am leaving. (A book falls out.)
Wife: Hey, it’s my copy of the DaVinci code! I've been looking all over for this!
Husband: (To audience) WELL WHADDAYA KNOW?!
CUE THEME SONG:
IT”S THE COUPLE THAT SHOULD GET DIVORCED BUT INSTEAD KEEPS HAVING CHILDREN.
IT”S THE COUPLE THAT SHOULD GET DIVORCED BUT INSTEAD KEEPS HAVING CHILDREN.
Tomato, tomah-toh! Let’s call the whole thing off!
(HONK)
(Blackout.)
This entry was posted by Matt, on
Sunday, November 20, 2005.
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