Also from today's Saturday Night Rewritten:


Announcer: And now, a message from Irving J. Furt, proprieter and
owner of Ballpark Frankfurters.

(Lights up on old timey CEO at desk, smoking cigar.)

IJF: Hello there. Nowadays you hear a lot of promises and guarantees
from companies as to the quality of their hot dogs ingredients.
People say things like "Approved by a Higher Authority," "100% Beef,"
and "Absolutely No Human Contents in These Hot Dogs." But you barely have
to spend 2 minutes on the internet to find out the harsh, inevitable
truth. That's why I, Irving J. Furt, am going to say it straight
out. Yes, of COURSE we use humans in our hot dogs. BUT, that being said,
I make this promise to you. We at Ballpark use only the
finest quality of human in our franks. That's right, no
college dropouts or child molestors here! Nuns, doctors, and diplomats
only! All of the lips, tongues, and taints that go into our
product have had at least a B-plus average in high school, and died
from natural and/or honorable deaths! And that's…(takes a bite) a
Ballpark promise!

Announcer: Ballpark hot dogs—human goodness never tasted so good!

IJF: Mmm, tastes like 9/11 firefighter!

(Blackout.)

This entry was posted by Matt, on Sunday, October 09, 2005. You can leave your response.