The traffic report sketch - SNR 8/14/05
Traffic report
By Matt koff
(Split screen, radio station and man in his car.)
Tom: Remember, if you’re stuck in traffic, call 1-800-Traffic880 to report it. I’m Tom Kaminsky for WCBS Newsradio 880. And now, here’s Megan Woodhead with the weather.
(Ring ring)
Tom: WCBS Traffic?
Joe: Hello, Tom Kaminsky! Oh thank god! There’s a horrible traffic jam on the Upper East Side. It’s horrible! Oh god it’s just horrible!
Tom: All right, sir. Please, calm down. We’re sending our chopper over there immediately. How long have you been in traffic, sir?
Joe: 15 hours.
Tom: 15 hours?
Joe: Yes, I told you, it’s bad. It’s a traffic catastrophe!
Tom: Could you describe the scene?
Joe: Sure. It look like someone has put a Safeway Supermarket in the middle of the road, and now all 30 lanes are backed up.
Tom: Wait a minute… are you sure you’re not in a parking lot?
Joe: No, Tom, this is a giant traffic jam. This is one for the ages. Some people are even giving up. They’re turning off their engines and simply going into the supermarket. You have to see this to believe it!
Tom: Sir, you’re in a parking lot.
Joe: Parking lot? (aside) Excuse me, is this a parking lot? (into phone) Oh Tom, apparently you’re right. This is a parking lot. My mistake.
(A beat, Tom hangs up.)
(Phone rings.)
Joe: Tom? Joe again. Just calling in with an update. I’m inside the Safeway on the “6 items or less” express checkout line trying to buy some Frosted Flakes. Some woman is trying to buy twelve Dannon yogurts, arguing that it only counts as one item. It looks like no one’s going anywhere for a long long time. I’m not sure how you’re gonna fit the chopper in here but I’d send it over here post-haste. Maybe if you have one of those rope-ladders, you can drop it down and get a look at this. You guys have rope ladders over there? Like on the… uh… the A-team?
Tom: What?! No! we don’t have rope ladders like on the A-team! Look, sir, please. This line is for traffic reports only.
(Tom hangs up, Phone rings)
Joe: Hey Tom-man, this is Joe. Things have just gone from bad to worse. I just got back to my house. I’m sitting in my kitchen eating the Frosted Flakes, and it looks like I’m not going anywhere. And chances are I won’t be moving for at least the rest of the day.
Tom: (shaking with anger) DON’T EVER CALL HERE AGAIN! PLEASE! I SHOULD HAVE WORKED AT MY FATHER’S STORE!
(Tom hangs up, the phone rings)
Joe: I just had the worst traffic nightmare—
(Tom hangs up, phone rings. He picks it up while weeping silently.)
Joe: Hey Tom, this is Joe. Look, you don’t have to say anything. I know you’re pretty pissed right now, and I know we’ve only known each other a few minutes, but I just wanted to let you know that so far, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had in my life.
(Awkward beat. Blackout.)
By Matt koff
(Split screen, radio station and man in his car.)
Tom: Remember, if you’re stuck in traffic, call 1-800-Traffic880 to report it. I’m Tom Kaminsky for WCBS Newsradio 880. And now, here’s Megan Woodhead with the weather.
(Ring ring)
Tom: WCBS Traffic?
Joe: Hello, Tom Kaminsky! Oh thank god! There’s a horrible traffic jam on the Upper East Side. It’s horrible! Oh god it’s just horrible!
Tom: All right, sir. Please, calm down. We’re sending our chopper over there immediately. How long have you been in traffic, sir?
Joe: 15 hours.
Tom: 15 hours?
Joe: Yes, I told you, it’s bad. It’s a traffic catastrophe!
Tom: Could you describe the scene?
Joe: Sure. It look like someone has put a Safeway Supermarket in the middle of the road, and now all 30 lanes are backed up.
Tom: Wait a minute… are you sure you’re not in a parking lot?
Joe: No, Tom, this is a giant traffic jam. This is one for the ages. Some people are even giving up. They’re turning off their engines and simply going into the supermarket. You have to see this to believe it!
Tom: Sir, you’re in a parking lot.
Joe: Parking lot? (aside) Excuse me, is this a parking lot? (into phone) Oh Tom, apparently you’re right. This is a parking lot. My mistake.
(A beat, Tom hangs up.)
(Phone rings.)
Joe: Tom? Joe again. Just calling in with an update. I’m inside the Safeway on the “6 items or less” express checkout line trying to buy some Frosted Flakes. Some woman is trying to buy twelve Dannon yogurts, arguing that it only counts as one item. It looks like no one’s going anywhere for a long long time. I’m not sure how you’re gonna fit the chopper in here but I’d send it over here post-haste. Maybe if you have one of those rope-ladders, you can drop it down and get a look at this. You guys have rope ladders over there? Like on the… uh… the A-team?
Tom: What?! No! we don’t have rope ladders like on the A-team! Look, sir, please. This line is for traffic reports only.
(Tom hangs up, Phone rings)
Joe: Hey Tom-man, this is Joe. Things have just gone from bad to worse. I just got back to my house. I’m sitting in my kitchen eating the Frosted Flakes, and it looks like I’m not going anywhere. And chances are I won’t be moving for at least the rest of the day.
Tom: (shaking with anger) DON’T EVER CALL HERE AGAIN! PLEASE! I SHOULD HAVE WORKED AT MY FATHER’S STORE!
(Tom hangs up, the phone rings)
Joe: I just had the worst traffic nightmare—
(Tom hangs up, phone rings. He picks it up while weeping silently.)
Joe: Hey Tom, this is Joe. Look, you don’t have to say anything. I know you’re pretty pissed right now, and I know we’ve only known each other a few minutes, but I just wanted to let you know that so far, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had in my life.
(Awkward beat. Blackout.)
This entry was posted by Matt, on
Monday, August 29, 2005.
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