Open on a Doctor's Office
RALPH
Yeah I've been exercising, I've been doing everything you told me to, but I still can't get down to 200.
DOC
Well have you ever tried cleaning your colon?
RALPH
How would I do that?
DOC
Well you have to drink this rough, sandlike substance called colon cleanse.
RALPH
Well I don't know that stuff looks pretty nasty.
DOC
Well think it over, I'm gonna go fix myself a Jack & Coke.
Doc leaves, Ralph starts talking to himself.
RALPH
Hmmm, colon cleanse... Maybe I don't really need to get down under 200 afterall.  
Enter Ghost of John Wayne.
JW
Howdy partner.
RALPH
Who are you?
JW
I'm the ghost of John Wayne.
RALPH
Oh my God, what are you doing here?  Shouldn't you be in Heaven?
JW
Well actually, I should be in Hell... Because that's where I went when I died.
RALPH
What?  Really?  But you were a great man.
JW
That may be true, but the fact of the matter is - I never went to get my colon cleansed and when I died I had forty lbs of compacted feces in my body.  And when it was time to rise to Heaven, I couldn't.  I could only sink on down to Great Below.  
RALPH
Noooo!
JW
I know, you thinkin "this guy is full of crap" - well pardner, you don't know how right you are.
RALPH
But you always win.  You're the Duke.  
        
JW
Lemme tell ya, I'd rather be a sanitary vagabond then dirty Duke filled with duty.  I'm not kiddin it's a regular fire hazard down there, kid.  
RALPH
Ughhh, all right I get it...

JW
It's really pretty awful.
RALPH
Ok ok I get it.
JW
It's profoundly gross.
RALPH
All right!  But this stuff looks like poison.
JW
Sometimes a man's gotta do (ERM) what a man's gotta do.
RALPH
Well thanks for the pep talk.
JW
Actually I gotta get going anyway.  (with each step) Oww! my colon.  Oww! my colon.  Oww! my colon.  
John Wayne exits.  There is a pause.  And then John Wayne Bobbit enters.
JWB
Howdy pardner.
RALPH
Who are you?
JWB
I'm the ghost of John Wayne Bobbit.
RALPH
But you're not even dead!?
JWB
I know, but I slipped out of my body just to tell you how important it is to clean your colon.
JWB holds up a bag with his penis in it.
JWB (cont'd)
Look what happened to me.
RALPH
Oh my god!
JWB
Pretty horrific, ain't it? OW! My dick.  OW!  My dick.  OW! My dick.
JWB exits.  Enter Priest.
RALPH
Father Monahan!
FATHER MONAHAN
Helloooo my child!
RALPH
Wow, you died five years ago!  I need your help! Everyone's telling me to clean my colon... But... I'm scared.  Tell me, what's it like in Heaven?
FATHER MONAHAN
I...I don't know.
RALPH
You didn't get in?!
FATHER MONAHAN
No my child!
RALPH
Because of your dirty colon?
FATHER MONAHAN
No, it's because I was gay... But I'm sure my dirty colon didn't help matters either!  Food for thought, my child.

Father exits.  
RALPH
Wait!
                    FATHER MONAH
Ow!  I’m gay.  Ow! I’m gay. Ow! I’m gay.
DOC enters again.
DOC
Well, have you made a decision?
RALPH
Well, let's just say a couple of friends talked me into it.
John Wayne and Father laugh backstage.
DOC
Wise choice.
Doc exits.  Samuel L. Jackson enters.
RALPH
The ghost of Samuel L. Jackson, what are you doing here?
SJ
Shit I ain't no ghost mutha fucka.  I'm just here for a popsickle stick (puts one in his mouth and leaves.)
END SCENE

This entry was posted by Matt, on Monday, August 29, 2005. You can leave your response.